CARTOON: Wine Wisdom

Pour Decisions. Today's cartoon by Lindsey Budde.

Are My Symptoms Seasonal Allergies…Or?

Is it...Measles, Shingles, Bubonic Plague, Justinian Plague (making a comeback) Or more!

The Optimal Life Can Be Yours If You Have the Right Routine and Zero Obligations

First, it’s key to wake up at 4 am every day, since a consistent sleep/wake cycle maintains your optimal metabolism. Don’t use an alarm—instead, you want to hone your circadian rhythms by going to bed at 8 pm in the peaceful house where you live alone. Be sure to avoid common pitfalls, such as consuming caffeine after noon, or children.

CARTOON: Rule Fools

Have a nice day. Today's cartoon by Nick Downes.

At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website

Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.

After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit

Bid farewell to your favorite snack foods. Hungry? Satiate yourself with six almonds and a stick of celery. Welcome to flavor country, partner.

The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not

You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.

CARTOON: Worked Out

It's nice to get back to a routine. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Some Blunt Feedback from Your Therapist’s Cat During Telehealth 2020

When you find yourself saying to Ryan, “I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before,” take a deep breath and understand that you have. You have mentioned that you have “a weird thing about vomit” as well as “a weird thing about not wanting to wake up in a panic one night beset by guilt, regret, envy, and vomit,” in addition to “a weird thing for redheads.” These are called, respectively: duh, okay, and ginger tabbies are the best category of every species.

I’m Your Fitness Tracker, and I’m Worried About You 

I also feel like our relationship has suffered. When you originally customized my settings, you asked me to provide hourly “Get Up and Move!” alerts during your waking hours. But lately, you’ve been deleting these prompts by jabbing roughly at my screen. Remember, only a light tap of your finger is necessary!

Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance

“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”

Truly Terrible Ways To Prevent The Spread Of Coronavirus

Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.


Downward Spiral, Lazy Dog, Remote Control Reach and more #BadYogaPoses on our weekly joke game!

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead

Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains,…

Guided Meditations For The Trump Era

In light of recent political events, we’ve updated our app…

Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat. He had high cholesterol, and his…