To: All LQP Employees
From: LQP CEO Richard Smarsky
Subject: In Response to the Workplace Satisfaction Survey, We’ll Be Renovating Our Office Space into a Jungle
As you all know, we here at LQP industries always strive to maintain the highest standards of employee morale. There’s been a lot of chatter near the water coolers about the stale cubicle farm setup here in our building, and with articles coming out every day about the tech industry’s exciting and energetic alternative workplaces, we’ve all become quite enamored, to say the least. In response, I recently sent out the Employee Workplace Satisfaction Survey asking about improvements that we could make to our office space. Based on your responses, I think it’s clear: you’d like me to renovate the office into an authentic African jungle.
Many of your responses for improvements included the phrases “I wish it were more like the outdoors in here,” and “It would be nice to be outdoors more, like we were working outside,” and the very popular “Some vibrant greenery would be nice.” So, starting on Monday, we’ll be temporarily moving into the building next door in order to renovate our current workspace into an African jungle. I’m quite confident as CEO of this company that this change will not only immediately improve employee morale but increase productivity in the long run.
That all being said, there will be a few changes that we’ll have to adjust to when we move back into our new jungle office. The following are a few guidelines and suggestions for how we will best adapt to our new (and exciting!) workplace:
- To keep things “jungle authentic,” we’ll be introducing all of the fascinating illnesses that currently exist on the African continent into our new office space. Employees will be required to present a certificate of their immunizations for the following diseases on the first day of our move: Hepatitis A, Yellow Fever, Meningitis, Typhoid Fever, Hepatitis B, Polio, and of course, Rabies. (NOTE: If you have the company HMO plan, please consider switching to the PPO.)
- Coats and sweaters will no longer be needed, as we’ll be keeping the temperature at a sultry 95 degrees (so long to cold drafts!). There will also be occasional torrential downpours throughout the office, so each new workstation will come with a raincoat and snorkel.
- We’ll start with one lion in the office and see how it goes, but I expect we’ll need more. These predators do like to attack solitary prey, so we’ll also enforce a strict “collaboration-space-only” code to keep workers bunched together (teamwork!). Also, there will no longer be any more aromatic meats allowed in the new office (apologies to Alan in the Product Design department).
- Thick, lush foliage and swing-ready vines will fill up most of the space (fun! exercise!) and be constantly pumped with fertilizers and nutrients to keep them growing strong. All employees will be given one military-grade machete for use in navigating the office space. (NOTE: If at all possible, please do not use the machete on the lion, as the animal costs $405,000.)
- Three gas-powered jeeps will be available for employees to get from meeting-to-meeting.
- Our new wildlife wrangler suggested we introduce a variety of jungle snakes into our work environment, so if you are susceptible to bites from any of the following snakes, please contact HR immediately so we can stock the proper anti-venom: Gaboon viper, both black and green mamba, pythons, boas, puff adder, and, though not native, a 100-foot anaconda that we’ll adopt as the new office mascot (we’ll vote on a name once we get to know her, but I’m partial to “Medusa”!).
- No monkeys. Sorry, but these will just be too distracting to have around at the start, what with them doing funny things with the computer monitors and staplers. We’ll revisit this in the next quarter.
- Once a month, we’ll search for one of the many hidden ancient artifacts that will be placed throughout in the office during remodeling as a team-building exercise, so bring your explorer hats on every third Wednesday! (Also, please be sure to bring your company-issued water filtration straw, iodine tablets, waterproof matches, signaling mirror, compass, and Imodium.)
- Unfortunately, there will be giant five-foot spiders known as the “J’ba FoFi” that will infiltrate the office and settle within the workplace. It just goes with the territory, as I’ve been told if you build a massive African jungle, they just show up.
I hope you’re all as excited as I am for the upcoming changes! So pack your gear and get ready, because the safari begins soon!
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Michael A. Ferro’s debut novel, TITLE 13, will be published by Harvard Square Editions in February 2018. He received an Honorable Mention from Glimmer Train for their New Writers Award and he is a contributor to Splitsider and featured writer for Points in Case. Michael’s fiction has appeared in numerous journals in both print and online. Born and bred in Detroit, Michael has lived, worked, and written throughout the Midwest; he currently resides in rural Ann Arbor, Michigan. Additional information can be found at: www.michaelaferro.com and @MichaelFerro.