Originals
Are You at a Turkey Trot 5K or Getting High On a Cousin Walk Before Thanksgiving Dinner?
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You know you’re going to be starving once you’re finished.
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You hope that blowing off steam can help you deal with Aunt Sheila’s politics.
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Suddenly, you’re sweating profusely and have dry mouth.
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You need a pep talk to go through with it.
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You see someone from your high school doing the exact same thing and try to avoid their gaze.
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You’re starting to struggle to breathe and realize you might have overdone it.
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You have a bad trip halfway through.
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Cousin Roger Venmo requested $150 from you in order to participate.
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You know you’ll have to put on Axe body spray to mask the intense smell afterwards.
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It helps you dodge questions about why you’re single.
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People insist you can’t get addicted to it.
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You have an urge to go to the ER because you think you’re having a heart attack.
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You see grown adults dressed as turkeys, and you wonder if you’re hallucinating.
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For a brief moment, you feel truly happy, like nothing else matters in the world. The highest of highs.
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There are decades-long efforts to ban them from your state.
Answer Key: 1-14: both; 15: Turkey Trot 5K
- About the Author
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Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
- About the Author
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Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer and copywriter. He’s a graduate of The Second City Satire Writing Program. His work can be seen in Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, Funny-ish, and Flexx Mag.
