They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month’s challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.
About Daniel Stillman
Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer and copywriter. He's a graduate of The Second City Satire Writing Program. His work can be seen in Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, Funny-ish, and Flexx Mag.
Entries by Daniel Stillman
#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.
Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.
Have sex. When you get to climax two minutes in, moan “I Voted!” Go to Starbucks and order your usual Pumpkin Spice Latte. When the barista asks for your name, say it’s “I Voted.” Post the photo of your cup, which says “Ivory Ted.” Get a real tattoo in your tramp stamp area that says “I Voted” And more!
Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.
Without Peppermint Patty to hang around with, all the shortcomings of my job suddenly became glaringly obvious: the long hours, the lack of health insurance, the “work hard, play hard” mentality you pushed on all of us. For someone who was depressed all throughout their youth, I expected way less of that LinkedIn bullshit from you, Chuck.
I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth.
As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.
From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is…common? Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag.
Listen closely. Actually, look closely. Yeah dude, you’re not at your annual eye doctor exam, you’re just reading one of my babies online. Go ahead, grab a magnifying glass to see if one of those indie bands you like is playing. Chances are, they’re playing at 10 a.m. on a stage three miles away from everything else. Take it from me as a design pro that does Photoshop two days a year, font matters. The bigger the font, the more my boss is yelling in my ear, “MAKE THE FONT BIGGER! WE SPENT OUR WHOLE BUDGET ON THEM.”
Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold.
But this year doesn’t have to be ruled by Hallmark, a stuffed animal, or a candy organ. The only organ we should be celebrating is the one without a condom going in and out of a lover or even better, a stranger.
Before making a huge fool of yourself…embarrassing your family, your friends, and neighbors…check this handy guide!