This letter is to give you first a quick overview of what to expect and then, we’ll explain why you might see a lot of humongous murals featuring the actor Benicio Del Toro engaging in cartoonish levels of violence.
HI YUP! Honest to god, good ol’ fashioned vegetables. A single rumpled bag of Harvest Cheddar you forgot about find in the bottom of your work bag can now be sold as actual, real chow. And you won’t know the difference! Well, you might by the taste, calories and saturated fat but TRUST US, you are eating a vegetable.
11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) – …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward.
Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”
T-shirt design can not claim that the Turkey Trot 5K is an Olympic qualifying race. T-shirts can not have designs predicting the winner, odds of a runner winning, and what local bar is holding bets on which runner will win. And more!
Waterstarter? The blinking cursor is now a blinking thumbs-up. A jet Ski. Wait, no…a possessed jet ski. And more!
“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”
