Excerpts from the Episode of SNL Hosted by COVID-19

No stranger to courting controversy with Donald Trump, Elon Musk or Shane Gilles, SNL’s host was Covid-19. Lorne Michaels was quoted as saying, “The idea behind the show was always to highlight what is currently happening in the culture, regardless of politics, celebrity popularity or a virus that killed over seven million people.” Cast members reacted on social media with the announcement. Bowen Yang posted on Instagram a picture of an N95 mask, with the caption, “This week, I’ll be playing a character called Bowen Quarantine!” The post was quickly deleted.

The cold open sketch had Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) announcing Covid as his new running mate. Trump said his first day in office he would pardon Covid and they would work together to give an “extra special Terminator style Covid” to give out to the “woke Democrats, enemies of Trump, Taylor Swift and the Charmin bears.” Covid got an unintentional laugh by misreading a cue card and instead of saying promising “no more vaccinations” said “no more vasectomies”.

Covid had a cringey opening monologue. He did an extended bit about how nobody at the beginning of the pandemic knew that Covid also caused intense diarrhea. “It’s like,I’m more than just a cough and fatigue!” When there were only a couple laughs from the audience, Covid made a face and said, “I thought that was funny. Oh well.” Covid went to the audience for any still lingering questions about the virus. Several cast members (Sarah Sherman, Mikey Day) ignored science questions in favor of asking Covid what his “body count was with celebrities”. A third audience member popped up and it was Dr. Anthony Fauci who wanted to know if Covid, “was interested in doing Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple at the Long Wharf in New Haven”. Covid ended the set with not a joke, but morphing into a new strain of the virus resistant to most vaccines.

Covid and SNL chameleon Chloe Fineman played TSA drug sniffing dogs who lost their sense of smell during Covid and it never returned. As they talk about their day to day, drug runners keep coming through with no problem. “I haven’t caught anybody in four years. I guess drugs are a thing of the past!”

Commercial parody for Whole Foods bringing back pandemic shopping hours only for senior citizens. Covid played the spokesperson and said that, “we first had these special hours because of me but now, these seniors are horny and looking to smash.” The commercial continued to interview happy seniors played by various members of the cast who were isolated by Covid four years ago and are now looking for quick hookups near the hot buffet.

Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”

Covid petitioned that the musical guest be known anti-Covid vaxxer, Eric Clapton. Clapton sang his hits, “Cocaine” and “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door.” Clapton was absent from the goodnights which was later found out to be because he contracted Covid, measles and polio.

The last sketch was a video by Please Don’t Destroy.  The boys were working in their office and John and Martin find out to prevent Covid transmission, Ben is still wiping down all his groceries. Ben ends up wiping down the entire world and the sketch ends with Ben walking down the hallways in the office only to inhale Covid from saying “hi” to Tina Fey.

The one show ended with the usual goodnights with Covid thanking the cast and crew for a great show. He laughed and shouted over the music out that new CDC standards allow all of them to return to work in two days if they don’t have a fever. The real surprise was when Meningitis (like Dave Chappelle earlier this season) jumped on stage from the audience to wave goodbye. Bowen Yang was visibly upset by Measles and left the stage checking his temperature.