Quiz: Innocent Halloween Activity, Sexual Euphemism, or Trump Administration Insider Slang Term for Grift?
Powdering the donuts, Carving the pumpkin, Bobbing for apples, and more Slang or Halloween?
Entries by Paul Cesarini
The Skipper Addresses the Professor’s Coconut Enrichment Threat
Upon taking office last year, I immediately opened negotiations with the Professor and offered him full economic cooperation in exchange for ending his coconut-cream enrichment program but he refused. He absolutely refused. That was a big mistake. Then in Operation Midnight Banana, I ordered Gilligan to obliterate his enrichment program beneath mountains of rubble. And again, I urged the so-called Professor to make a deal, and again, he refused.
Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Tells Castaways to Accept High Coconut Prices
“After we finish defeating the Professor, who is being very badly defeated, pretty soon I’ll be declaring Castaway Bay a territory of mine.” The Skipper went a step further to suggest that Castaway Bay is already his territory. “Essentially, that’s what it is,” he added. “We have the blockade. No canoes get through unless we want them to,” he said.
Skipper Administration Drops Charges Against Professor for Vandalizing the Lagoon
The Skipper Administration’s Mary Ann has dropped charges against the Professor for allegedly vandalizing the Lagoon, which has been deep green since the Skipper’s botched efforts to turn that body of water “Skipper Shirt Blue.”
Read the Transcript: The Skipper Storms out of an Interview with Mary Ann when Challenged over False Claims
SKIPPER: People have been hurt so badly by radical left lunatics that worked for the Howell administration. They’re vicious. They raided my hut, took my coconuts, and all the other things. They’ve lost everything over a fake weaponization of government.
Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Warns ‘clock is ticking’ for the Professor as Peace Process Stalls
The standoff’s wider economic fallout continues to be felt across the Island. “Thurston, my dear,” asked a nervous Mrs. Lovey Thurston Howell III, “what will happen to our investments in frozen pineapple juice futures?” To which Thurston Howell III replied, “Not to worry, we’ll short them. After all, the only people who drink frozen drinks are philistines, arrivistes, and your ridiculous cousin BooBoo.”
Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Blockades Castaway Bay
At a press conference held at the Castaway Island Governing Committee Hut, the Skipper vowed to blockade Castaway Bay. “Effective immediately, we will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all ships trying to enter, or leave, the Island,” he said, while pointing a bamboo shoot at the attending members of the press.
Gilligan’s Island Breaking News: The Skipper Declares War on the Professor
“Tuesday will be Hut Day, and Banana Cream Pudding Day, all wrapped up in one,” The Skipper emphasized, while giving the Professor 48 hours to comply. “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again! There will be nothing like it!!! Open the F—– Bay, you crazy bastard, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah.”
Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Indicts the Professor
At a press conference held in the Castaway Island Governing Committee hut, the Professor denied the allegations recently launched against him by the Skipper. “The Skipper and Gilligan served me with grand jury subpoenas, threatening a criminal indictment related to my testimony before the Governing Committee last June,” he said.
Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Declares Intentions to Annex the Professor’s Hut
At a last-minute media gaggle held at the Castaway Island Lagoon, the Skipper stated his intentions to annex the Professor’s hut. “Anything less than that hut in my hands is unacceptable,” he said. He also announced that he was appointing Gilligan as a special envoy to “lead the charge” in making the hut part of his territory. “We’re going to see what happens. We need [the hut] for Island security,” the Skipper said. “We have a very good relationship with [the Professor], as you know. We’ll see.
Gilligan’s Island News Bulletin: The Skipper Removes Thurston Howell
Although The Skipper justified the overnight raid by citing “narcoterrorism,” he had previously noted about the Howells’ access to some of the Island’s largest coconut-tree groves: “Maybe we will sell the coconut cream pies. Maybe we will keep them. Maybe we’ll use them in the Strategic Coconut Reserves.”
The Skipper Slaps Tariffs on the Other Gilligan’s Island Castaways
Gilligan: Hey Skipper, why are you building a tollgate on the path between our tent and the other castaways’ tents? Skipper: This will allow us to impose a big, Beautiful 25% tariff on all their Trade with us. The Skipper is going to take back what was stolen from us by other castaways and, frankly, by incompetent Island Leadership.