Entries by Paul Cesarini

The Skipper Addresses the Professor’s Coconut Enrichment Threat

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Upon taking office last year, I immediately opened negotiations with the Professor and offered him full economic cooperation in exchange for ending his coconut-cream enrichment program but he refused.  He absolutely refused. That was a big mistake. Then in Operation Midnight Banana, I ordered Gilligan to obliterate his enrichment program beneath mountains of rubble. And again, I urged the so-called Professor to make a deal, and again, he refused.

Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Tells Castaways to Accept High Coconut Prices

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“After we finish defeating the Professor, who is being very badly defeated, pretty soon I’ll be declaring Castaway Bay a ​territory of mine.” The Skipper went a step further to suggest that Castaway Bay is already his territory. “Essentially, that’s what it is,” he added.  “We have the blockade. No canoes get through unless we want them to,” he said.

Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Warns ‘clock is ticking’ for the Professor as Peace Process Stalls

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The standoff’s wider economic fallout continues to be felt across the Island. “Thurston, my dear,” asked a nervous Mrs. Lovey Thurston Howell III, “what will happen to our investments in frozen pineapple juice futures?” To which Thurston Howell III replied, “Not to worry, we’ll short them. After all, the only people who drink frozen drinks are philistines, arrivistes, and your ridiculous cousin BooBoo.”

Gilligan’s Island Breaking News: The Skipper Declares War on the Professor

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“Tuesday will be Hut Day, and Banana Cream Pudding Day, all wrapped up in one,” The Skipper emphasized, while giving the Professor 48 hours to comply. “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again!  There will be nothing like it!!! Open the F—– Bay, you crazy bastard, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah.”

Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Declares Intentions to Annex the Professor’s Hut

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At a last-minute media gaggle held at the Castaway Island Lagoon, the Skipper stated his intentions to annex the Professor’s hut.  “Anything less than that hut in my hands is unacceptable,” he said.  He also announced that he was appointing Gilligan as a special envoy to “lead the charge” in making the hut part of his territory.  “We’re going to see what happens. We need [the hut] for Island security,” the Skipper said.  “We have a very good relationship with [the Professor], as you know. We’ll see.