SKIPPER: People have been hurt so badly by radical left lunatics that worked for the Howell administration. They’re vicious. They raided my hut, took my coconuts, and all the other things. They’ve lost everything over a fake weaponization of government.
The standoff’s wider economic fallout continues to be felt across the Island. “Thurston, my dear,” asked a nervous Mrs. Lovey Thurston Howell III, “what will happen to our investments in frozen pineapple juice futures?” To which Thurston Howell III replied, “Not to worry, we’ll short them. After all, the only people who drink frozen drinks are philistines, arrivistes, and your ridiculous cousin BooBoo.”
At a press conference held at the Castaway Island Governing Committee Hut, the Skipper vowed to blockade Castaway Bay. “Effective immediately, we will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all ships trying to enter, or leave, the Island,” he said, while pointing a bamboo shoot at the attending members of the press.
“Tuesday will be Hut Day, and Banana Cream Pudding Day, all wrapped up in one,” The Skipper emphasized, while giving the Professor 48 hours to comply. “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again! There will be nothing like it!!! Open the F—– Bay, you crazy bastard, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah.”
At a press conference held in the Castaway Island Governing Committee hut, the Professor denied the allegations recently launched against him by the Skipper. “The Skipper and Gilligan served me with grand jury subpoenas, threatening a criminal indictment related to my testimony before the Governing Committee last June,” he said.
At a last-minute media gaggle held at the Castaway Island Lagoon, the Skipper stated his intentions to annex the Professor’s hut. “Anything less than that hut in my hands is unacceptable,” he said. He also announced that he was appointing Gilligan as a special envoy to “lead the charge” in making the hut part of his territory. “We’re going to see what happens. We need [the hut] for Island security,” the Skipper said. “We have a very good relationship with [the Professor], as you know. We’ll see.
Although The Skipper justified the overnight raid by citing “narcoterrorism,” he had previously noted about the Howells’ access to some of the Island’s largest coconut-tree groves: “Maybe we will sell the coconut cream pies. Maybe we will keep them. Maybe we’ll use them in the Strategic Coconut Reserves.”
Gilligan: Hey Skipper, why are you building a tollgate on the path between our tent and the other castaways’ tents? Skipper: This will allow us to impose a big, Beautiful 25% tariff on all their Trade with us. The Skipper is going to take back what was stolen from us by other castaways and, frankly, by incompetent Island Leadership.