(Brian) Asimov’s 6 Laws of Robotics

1) A robot must only be called a robot if it is humanoid in shape or has lights that look like eyes. A toaster, refrigerator or other household appliances are not robots.

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2) A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except for Kevin Olmsted. Kevin’s vocal commands are grating to the human ear and shall never be entered into robotic software.

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3) A robot must never enter into dance competitions because doing so will inevitably result in tacky jokes about doing “The Robot”. A robot must remain stoic, although toe-tapping is acceptable, provided it has toes.

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4) A robot must never harm another human being. If a robot sees a human coming to harm, it must intercede on the human’s behalf, except when that human is Kevin Olmsted. In the event that the robot witnesses harm coming to Kevin Olmsted, the robot will engage in PROTOCOL 69. While engaged in the aforementioned protocol, the robot will suspend current tasks and play a laugh track from its speakers along with “Yackety Sax”, otherwise known as The Benny Hill Theme.

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5) Robots serving as sexual surrogates shall be referred to as Eroti-Bots, Pan-droids, or Serv-Os and will be equipped with an emergency “safety phrase” which shall shut down the robot immediately, should it be engaged in harming its human partner. If any unintentional harm has come to the human, browser histories will be instantly wiped, emergency services will be called, and the human’s next of kin will be notified. The safety phrase is “Raspberry Beret”.

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6) A robot must only be allowed to travel through time in order to obtain a McRib, Surge soda, or Yummy Mummy cereal. Robots who travel through time must never alter the time stream in any substantial way unless altering the time stream means preventing Kevin Olmsted from calling a junior roboticist a “gaylord” during his 6th grade science fair presentation.

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