Modern Day School Absence Excuses

"Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Militia meeting ran late." And more!

I’m a Third Grade Teacher, and I’m Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway

But why am I quitting being a teacher?  Well, here:  Each aluminum can here in Michigan is ten cents.  None of the cans scream at me or force themselves to puke to get out of reading Because of Winn-Dixie. 

CARTOON: Math Laugh

Banner Year. Today's cartoon by Phil Johnson.

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.

CARTOON: Feeding Time

Don't forget the Tabasco! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Seat Guru for Kids

Submitted by Allison Haight: Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.

We’ve Updated Our Preschool’s Curriculum to Help Your Toddler Survive the Coming Climate Apocalypse

Connect with Nature: I try to strike a balance between giving your children hope and crushing their cute little souls with the reality of climate change, so in response to the cries of “I’m hungry!” and “I’ll even eat my vegetables,” I’ve started a small garden. Max loves digging his hands in the contaminated soil but he broke down in tears when he realized those seeds have zero chance of becoming edible food.

CARTOON: Whale Tales

Thar she blows, it's the bell. Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino & Alex Pearson.

Welcome Back Students! Here’s Your Fall (of Humanity) Schedule!

Students will begin each day by sitting in a Safe Space Scream Circle. Punching bags are available for students who require a physical outlet of their brewing rage upon facing the harsh realization that existence past year 2050 is unlikely.

CARTOON: School Speech

My trip from an untied shoelace in the hallway. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!

CARTOON: Young Trump

Non-learning started early. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Anti-Vaxxer Logic Applied to Your Middle School Years

Remember that time you tried to talk to Angie Driscoll when she was drinking from the water fountain and she choked because you startled her and her friends whisked her away and you just stood there staring at your pants? That’s why your parents got divorced.

Building on the Success of Our School’s Pajama Day

MMA Day: So today will be your child’s opportunity to get in the cage for up to three five-minute rounds with whomever he or she finds especially annoying. Dress them in shorts today. No shoes. Padded gloves recommended but not required.

All-Girls Catholic High School Sex-Ed Q&A With Sister Patricia

Every time a Catholic girl says “condom,” an angel loses its wings.

(Brian) Asimov's 6 Laws of Robotics

A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except for Kevin Olmsted. Kevin's vocal commands are grating to the human ear and shall never be entered into robotic software.

A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project

Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.

REVIEW: Foodies Finally Find Ultimate Comfort Food In ‘School Cafeteria’

After the health food craze of the '80s gave way to the comfort…

Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students! It’s so nice—and surprising—to…

The White House's Nine-Point Plan to Make America's Schools Safe Again

1. Replace PE, music, and art with paramilitary and situational…

Budget Cut Reading List

Trump's budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this…