Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)

Luxury awaits with tranquil lake views, alpine air, nearby mountains and patter of leaves on the sill. No, those definitely aren’t raccoons scratching their way in. Like I said, just leaves.

Put up your feet and gently sway in the front porch rocking-chair. That rustling you hear beneath the floorboards is just the water heater working in the basement. It’s not wrestling raccoons, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Take a stroll around the cabin and into the woods along the footpath. A few critters may follow you for a bread slice or two that will be provided. Don’t get too close to them. Just throw the slices on the ground. There, they’ll be busy for a bit. Bask in the sounds of nature and savor the sunshine. Don’t worry, they’ll be gone when you come back.

Take a soothing dip in the pristine glacial lake, not too cold this summer season. Yes, as you gaze back after swimming out a-ways, little feral trash bandits rummage the things you wrapped in your towel along the shoreline. Don’t worry, they shouldn’t find anything. You didn’t leave our complimentary hand cream in there did you? Oh, you did? That’s too bad. Don’t worry, we have more for you.

Lay in our quality hammock at the shaded nook off to the side of Cabin Calm. Brooms are provided to scurry away any critters that choose naptime in your spot.

That noise on the roof in the middle of night? No, it’s not them. That’s just the wind’s natural power. Don’t worry, this brand new roof can handle sixty mile-per-hour gusts, no problem. Yeah, it’s definitely not raccoons up there fighting.

Breakfast is cancelled this morning on account of one of mother earth’s little darlings breaking through the vent and sneaking off with the eggs. Fret not, our renowned cabin chef will make smoothies. No, those aren’t teeth marks. Those peaches are just very tenderized. Nothing like a healthy morning drink to set your meditative mind in veg-mode.

We’re going to take the Cabin Calm van to the nearest promontory for vistas of the mountains. Oh crap, what happened to the car? How did those rascals get in there?! Looks like they chewed through some of the engine wires too. Okay, gang—change in plans. Today is our meditative nature hike!

Our yoga room is perfect for both a workout and meditative state. This room overlooks the small botanical garden behind the cabin. Never mind the raccoons—they just use the garden as their day-time stomping ground. In exchange for cat food, they leave the plants and flowers alone. Yes, you can sit outside there any time you like. Just don’t pet them, even if they approach you. Oh, and while meditating, you may want to open your eyes every few seconds. The devils have a habit of sneaking up on guests.

Well, we hope you enjoyed your time here at Cabin Calm, where luxury and enlightenment meet. We hope you will give us a review. Shoo! Shoo! Sorry, I just didn’t want you tripping over the other guests. Oh, and when you write your review, could you avoid mentioning them. We’ve really tried to get them to leave. They must really love our mindfulness! Thank you for staying with us! Namaste.