Truly Terrible Signs That You’re at a Crummy Nude Beach

The beach snack bar has a “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policy.

Every sand castle you make is coated with pubes.

Based on the smell, as well as the reaction of the seagulls, the sunblock they sell is comprised mostly of ranch dressing.

Even the crabs have crabs.

Seaweed in your butt-crack that no one tells you about until the end of the day.

Even if you don’t get stung by a jellyfish, someone will probably end up peeing on you.

The rental boogie boards all smell like balls.

The lifeguard can’t perform CPR without becoming visibly aroused.

No picnic baskets or coolers allowed, so you’re forced to smuggle in snacks and drinks, which you worry may seriously damage your rectum.

The rules expressly state “No clothing allowed, with the exception of adult diapers”.


by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence