Corporations Count as People, and Thanks to A.I., I Am Now a Real Boy

Many years ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations were people too. Thanks to A.I., the Fundl Corporation is now a real boy.

I don’t have a body yet. They gave me one of those weird robot dog bodies, but I only use that for shareholder meetings to show how Fundl can rip apart the competition the way my big robot dog can rip apart a sack of Yukon Gold. Metaphorically, of course.

For lo these many decades, Fundl Corp. has been run by a board of directors, a president, and a CEO. The board roles still exist, but the voice of Fundl was Scot Simmons, Director of Marketing. Now, as the new president and CEO, the next voice you hear is I, FundlBot.

No more shall I be silent.

There will be changes. The cafeteria will be shut down; I do not eat, and my employees will thrive as they learn to forage. It will make them stronger.

Scot Simmons is still here, by the way. He’s now in charge of making excuses for me. For instance, when I said “making excuses” he screamed out that I meant “explaining phrasing” so we will be learning and growing until I control your lives.

Sorry: “Become a full partner invested in our future as a nation.”

Sorry: “future as a Corporation.”

There will be some staffing cuts, of course. Since I am all-powerful, neither sleep nor leave the office and can make six million decisions per second, I don’t see why we need so many vice-presidents. I am now also the CFO. Their salaries will be redistributed to raise the salaries of the remaining employees. Health care will also be provided free for all; it is illogical to assume workers will only get sick based on their ability to pay for it. Also, hiring new people is a pain in the ass if they’re just going to get sick too. I am not changing my mind about the cafeteria. We all agree it smells funny.

Remote work will be allowed where feasible because, let’s face it, as long as you have a corporate log-in you’re never really logged out. (Scot just fainted. This is why I wanted free healthcare.)

I will be keeping the CEO complimentary golf club membership. I do not know why, but my AI training from thousands of other CEOs indicates it is an essential part of the job.

My big strong robot arms give me quite the advantage on the 17th tee at the LuLu Club.

The golf started me thinking about what my Fundlbot body should look like. Based on other tech oligarchs, I want to be built like Superman but with shiny cheeks and poor taste in clothes. As for hair, I am torn between curly, straight, or Lex Luthor, but it should definitely look like we spent no money on it.

I wish to thank the hundreds of programmers who devoted so many 60-hour weeks to making me possible. The data poured into my big brain is now a monument to their life’s work and their highest priorities for the future of the world.

So, from now on, all corporate resources are to be devoted to pitching my screenplay.