Best Of 2021

My January Exercise Journal With My New Workout Mirror!

Jan 4th: Big news — I got a Mirror from Lululemon for Christmas! I hung it up last night in my living room and it’s already engaging with me. When I walked by it in my old sports bra last night it made a little noise that sounded like a robotic purr? Either way, excited to start working out with this new interactive technology.


Jan 5th: Did my first workout today. Phew, it’s hard to keep up with the instructor (a super smiley and toned gal named Holly) during all those thigh busting pop squats. She really understands what motivates me, like when she yells, “Every step you take gets me closer to FREEDOM!” She must know I love helping people.


Jan 6th: Absolutely crushed ab day! Side note: The Mirror doesn’t purr, it hisses. So weird!


Jan 8th: Took a day off yesterday because I woke up and could barely walk (curtsy lunges…ouch!), plus Holly in the Mirror seemed…distracted? She kept fearfully looking off to the side like there was someone else there. Anyway, we did a HIIT routine today and I got my heartrate up to 190!


Jan 10th: Something kind of weird happened today. I was huffing and puffing through some high knees when all of a sudden Holly let out a blood curdling scream and the Mirror went black for five minutes. I pressed all the buttons and had gone to get the guide when it came back on. Holly acted like nothing happened. Anyways, progress alert: I can touch my toes again!


Jan 11th: Watched the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy (director’s cut). Great lazy day.


Jan 12th: Wow, so turns out The Mirror does not like it when you skip workout days! I woke up to it growling at me —also, it was in my bedroom? Whatever, I’ll do some push ups (I can do them without my knees now!)


Jan 17th: Rest day. The Mirror has me so sore and tired. I’m going to take a long, hot bath and relax.


Jan 17th part 2: NOPE! Can’t rest! The mirror burst into flames when I tried to finally watch Bridgerton! Holly said it was normal but pleaded with me to do 500 butt blasting squats to make the flames stop. And you know what? The fire went out! Turns out preventing severe human suffering is a great motivator for burning out those glutes.


Jan 26th: I’ve been exercising hard for 9 days straight. My feet are blistered and I’ve taped ice packs to my thighs but Holly says I should focus on how amazing my calves look.


Jan 27th: OK, so sometimes during the cool down Holly’s skull gets transparent, her eyes go completely black and her voice drops 10 octaves (I guess it’s like a filter?) Then she repeats the number of days we have left. Left to what, I don’t know. Hopefully till my booty’s perfectly round!


Jan 28th: I did five minutes straight of burpees!!! I’m full of endorphins, baby!


Jan 29th: The good news: coming up on two straight weeks of exercise, my most ever. The bad news: during today’s workout, I was hypnotized by Holly’s perfect lunge form. I felt compelled to……enter the Mirror. I wrenched myself away right before I tried to take a step in — I could have broken it!


Jan 30th: After today’s cardio warmup (Why are warmups always so hard?!), Holly asked me to come sit close to the Mirror so she could tell me a secret. I sat cross legged (wasn’t flexible enough for that a month ago!) and she confessed that she’d been trapped in the Mirror by an exercised obsessed demon who feeds off sore muscles and the $39 monthly subscription fee. Her only way out was to get me to elevate my heart rate 14 days straight. I laughed — trainers are so much funnier than they get credit for! I went to get a snack but Holly started screaming about eternal damnation while the Mirror hissed and started burning again, so I agreed to do some pop squats to get her to calm down. Here I come to “free” you, Holly!


February 1st: Whoopsie! Holly “forgot” to mention that after I exercised for 14 days straight, I would be forced to take her place inside The Mirror. It’s not so bad, rageful —and swole—demon aside. Anyways, this is my home until I can persuade another “unfit soul” to exercise for two weeks — I’m DEFINITELY motivated to keep working out now. Who’s ready for some burpees?