Ding Dong, The Bigot Is Dead

Dorothy finds herself in the center of a village with Toto in her arms.

 

DOROTHY: Toto – I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. We must be over the rainbow! 

GAY-LINDA: That’s right, honey.

DOROTHY: Wait, who said that?

 

Gay-linda appears. 

 

GAY-LINDA: My name is Gay-linda. I’m a descendant of Glinda the good witch, and I’m your drag mother.

DOROTHY: You are? Wait, what’s a drag mother?

GAY-LINDA: It’s like a fairy godmother, except more gay. 

DOROTHY: Oh, okay. Where are we?

GAY-LINDA: As you said, we’re over the rainbow!

 

Gay-linda makes a rainbow motion with her hands. 

 

GAY-LINDA: I’m just messing with you. We’re in the West Village in New York! It’s home to the gayest men and the wealthiest single women. 

DOROTHY: But I thought I was going to Munch-

GAY-LINDA: Woah woah woah, hey there girl! We don’t use words like that anymore. Also that place was gentrified like forever ago.

DOROTHY: So you’re here to help find my way back to Kansas? 

GAY-LINDA: Eventually, yes. But first we need to celebrate, because you, Dorothy Gale, are our hero! 

DOROTHY: You know who I am?

GAY-LINDA: Of course! Not only are you an LGBTQ icon, your house crash-landed on Pat Robertson – noted homophobe, misogynist and all around bigot!

DOROTHY: Oh dear, did I kill him?

GAY-LINDA: You sure did, honey. You slayed him good and dead! 

DOROTHY: Okay, well, normally I would feel terrible about this, my house landing on someone and all. But it sounds like he was a bad person right? So him dying is a good thing?

GAY-LINDA: It’s a great thing! It’s a Pride miracle!

DOROTHY: What’s Pride? 

GAY-LINDA: Your death – well, the death of Judy Garland, the actress who plays you – and the grief and anger we experienced as a result is said to be a major catalyst for the Stonewall Riots, aka the reason we march every year at Pride. You’re the original mother!

DOROTHY: Wait, you know when I die? Can it be prevented?

GAY-LINDA: Girl, I can’t change the future, I just am it.

Gay-linda lifts up a megaphone and turns it on.

GAY-LINDA: Attention shes theys and gays, it’s time to shake your asses off because tonight, we’re all friends of Dorothy. Let the joyous news be spread throughout all of the land. Hit it!

 

Music plays as the members of the village, people of all shapes, sizes and abilities, are dressed head to toe in their best Pride gear, happy that they have been freed from this bigot’s reign of terror. 

 

GAY-LINDA: I want you all to sing so loud that everyone can hear you! I want them to hear you in the West Village, the East Village, in Chelsea, even all the way out in Fire Island – or for our bi-costal friends, West Hollywood and Silverlake. Sing with me, honeys!

 

RESIDENTS: 

(sing)

Ding Dong!  The Bigot is dead.

Which old Bigot?

That Pat Robertson Bigot!

Ding Dong! The Wicked old Bigot is dead.

 

Wake up, you sleepy head.

Rub your eyes, get out of bed.

It’s a beautiful morning, because 

the Terrible Bigot is dead!

 

He’s gone where all Bigots go

You know, the place where he thinks 

we should all go?

Below…Below…Below

Down to that fiery inferno

While we open a drink and sing

And ring the bells out.

 

Ding Dong!  The merry-oh!

Sing it high,

Sing it low,

Let everyone know

The Bigot is dead!

 

Then Donna Summer’s “I’m Coming Out” as everyone dances and celebrates. The Wicked Old Bigot Is Dead At Last!