Target has announced it will be making some significant changes following backlash from right-wing media over its Pride month merchandise. – The Daily Beast
It is with great excitement that we at [retail corporation/sports team/beverage dispensary] are announcing this year’s collection of [geometric-patterned shirts/rainbow cans/vaguely gay slogans on mugs]! For [as long as it’s been convenient], we have offered an assortment of [products/services/conditional support] aimed at [celebrating/bilking] the [beauty/wallets] of the LGBTQ+ community. We can’t wait to [slay/other gay slang] the celebrations this year with such wonderful [community members/bank accounts].
Inevitable Product Recall After Backlash
At [large company/wholesale buyer/candle maker] we have always [asked for public praise/given ourselves a fist bump] for our dedication to making all our [customers/marks] feel welcome. But with the [online trolls we’re slightly afraid of/political tensions we contributed to] we have decided that for the safety of our [staff/stockholders] we will be pulling our [rainbow streamers/birds wearing jaunty outfits/large fans that say “werk”] from the shelves. Our focus now will be moving forward with our continuing commitment to the [LGBTQ+ community’s money/stockholder value] and celebrating Pride [month/year/October?].
Product Reinstallation After Second Backlash
We have spent time [listening/learning/calculating lost profits] and we here at [monopoly/tax shelter/war profiteer] would like to offer our sincerest [apologies/whatever word will get you to stop yelling at us] to the LGBTQ+ community. We now understand that our [marketing scheme/products made with child labor] are an integral part of Pride celebrations. We will be reinstalling our [dog onesies that say “I love my two dads”/short-sleeve button down that implies a trans pride flag but is vague enough in case of another backlash] for the rest of June. Happy Pride!
Product Recall For “Apolitical Reasons”
It has come to our attention here at [multinational conglomerate/environmental polluter] that our line of [swim trunks with bananas on them/rainbow Ray-Ban knockoffs] contain toxic levels of [unpronounceable carcinogen/good old fashioned lead] so we will be recalling the entire line. This recall is [in no way/only a little/absolutely] in response to the conversations we’ve been having with many of our customers this month and we want to assure the LGBTQ+ community that we continue to stand with [you/your income].
Firing Of Someone High Enough In The Company To Placate The Angry Crowds
After several public controversies surrounding our [paper plates with a smiling rainbow/jumpsuit in the colors of the Bisexual pride flag], we know that it’s time for a change. We here at [wage thieves/taxpayer burden] would like to announce that [manager we’re scapegoating/executive that doesn’t exist] has [decided/agreed/been forced] to step down. We wish them the best in all their future endeavors. They will be succeeded by [man with glasses that look gay/straight white woman with brown hair], who will shepherd us to a more inclusive place.
Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire
We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade. We condemn any violence from [queer people who are fed up/bigots who are scared of rainbows]. We’re thankful that no one was injured and that [our stock price won’t fall/we finally have an excuse to end this thing]. [Unfortunately/Thank fucking God] we will not be able to continue with this year’s Pride festivities, but we are [excited for/dreading] the [plans/excuses] we have for next year. Keep calm and [pray the gay away/stay gay]!
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Connor Relyea is a a writer and actor based in New York City. He studied satire writing with the Second City. His comedy writing has appeared in Thought Catalog, Robot Butt and Points in Case. Despite popular rumors, he is absolutely not five corgis hiding inside a trench coat. Follow him @CRelyea12.