Corporate Statement Templates For This Pride Month

Target has announced it will be making some significant changes following backlash from right-wing media over its Pride month merchandise. – The Daily Beast

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Product Launch

It is with great excitement that we at [retail corporation/sports team/beverage dispensary] are announcing this year’s collection of [geometric-patterned shirts/rainbow cans/vaguely gay slogans on mugs]! For [as long as it’s been convenient], we have offered an assortment of [products/services/conditional support] aimed at [celebrating/bilking] the [beauty/wallets] of the LGBTQ+ community. We can’t wait to [slay/other gay slang] the celebrations this year with such wonderful [community members/bank accounts]. 

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Inevitable Product Recall After Backlash

At [large company/wholesale buyer/candle maker] we have always [asked for public praise/given ourselves a fist bump] for our dedication to making all our [customers/marks] feel welcome. But with the [online trolls we’re slightly afraid of/political tensions we contributed to] we have decided that for the safety of our [staff/stockholders] we will be pulling our [rainbow streamers/birds wearing jaunty outfits/large fans that say “werk”] from the shelves. Our focus now will be moving forward with our continuing commitment to the [LGBTQ+ community’s money/stockholder value] and celebrating Pride [month/year/October?].

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Product Reinstallation After Second Backlash

We have spent time [listening/learning/calculating lost profits] and we here at [monopoly/tax shelter/war profiteer] would like to offer our sincerest [apologies/whatever word will get you to stop yelling at us] to the LGBTQ+ community. We now understand that our [marketing scheme/products made with child labor] are an integral part of Pride celebrations. We will be reinstalling our [dog onesies that say “I love my two dads”/short-sleeve button down that implies a trans pride flag but is vague enough in case of another backlash] for the rest of June. Happy Pride!

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Product Recall For “Apolitical Reasons”

It has come to our attention here at [multinational conglomerate/environmental polluter] that our line of [swim trunks with bananas on them/rainbow Ray-Ban knockoffs] contain toxic levels of [unpronounceable carcinogen/good old fashioned lead] so we will be recalling the entire line. This recall is [in no way/only a little/absolutely] in response to the conversations we’ve been having with many of our customers this month and we want to assure the LGBTQ+ community that we continue to stand with [you/your income]. 

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Firing Of Someone High Enough In The Company To Placate The Angry Crowds

After several public controversies surrounding our [paper plates with a smiling rainbow/jumpsuit in the colors of the Bisexual pride flag], we know that it’s time for a change. We here at [wage thieves/taxpayer burden] would like to announce that [manager we’re scapegoating/executive that doesn’t exist] has [decided/agreed/been forced] to step down. We wish them the best in all their future endeavors. They will be succeeded by [man with glasses that look gay/straight white woman with brown hair], who will shepherd us to a more inclusive place.

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Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire 

We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade. We condemn any violence from [queer people who are fed up/bigots who are scared of rainbows]. We’re thankful that no one was injured and that [our stock price won’t fall/we finally have an excuse to end this thing]. [Unfortunately/Thank fucking God] we will not be able to continue with this year’s Pride festivities, but we are [excited for/dreading] the [plans/excuses] we have for next year. Keep calm and [pray the gay away/stay gay]!