Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)
She sees me behind her
She wants to hold the door
But I slow down on purpose
She decides to wait some more
Forced convo I’m losing
Small talk is within reach
Quite saddened we’re too close
I’m so annoyed by speech
Don’t hold, don’t hold the
Don’t hold the door for me
Don’t hold, don’t hold the
Don’t hold the door for me
Introvert, I am that
You know how quiet guys get
Sometimes it’s not so easy
To put up with bullshit
Oration, flirtation
Why can’t she stay quiet?
So painful it’s hurting
Our lives should be private
Don’t hold, don’t hold the
Don’t hold the door for me
Don’t hold, don’t hold the
Don’t hold the door for me
Her plans for the evening
They matter not to me
I don’t care about her
Too bad she cannot see
It’s no use
She won’t stop
She starts to talk she starts to speak
I crack a fake smile
I need a new technique
Don’t hold, don’t hold the
Don’t hold the door for me
Don’t hold, don’t hold the
Don’t hold the door for me
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Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. You can reach him on Twitter at @theathrofsrcsm, where he has at least 11 followers.