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Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack

“I, along with other community leaders who have reached out, are concerned about what your presence will mean for Kenosha and our state. I am concerned your presence will only hinder our healing. I am concerned your presence will only delay our work to overcome division and move forward together.” – Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers, asking Trump to reconsider his planned visit in a letter Sunday.


Trembling mortals, greetings from Castle Dracula. I am writing to inform you that I, Count Dracula, plan to visit your humble village. I understand that one of your villagers was recently attacked by a vampire. This is the part of the letter where anyone else would express their deepest remorse and condolences. You will get no such sympathy from me.


Is this just the latest in a long string of vampire attacks? Yes. Have I done anything to quell such attacks from continuing to happen? No, and I don’t plan on it. As a matter of personal integrity, I try to make my siding with the vampires abundantly clear.


I’ve heard that many of the villagers have been gathering in the town square, carrying torches and pitchforks for “protection.” I hear some are even hanging garlic and crucifixes on their doors. This displeases me greatly.


I need to protect Transylvania from the mob. These villagers are just looking for trouble. They’re vandals, scoundrels, and goons. It starts with gathering in the town square, but next thing you know they’ll be storming my castle with stakes in-hand.


The villagers are demanding an end to the vampire attacks which proliferate throughout my realm, but I can see their actions for what they really are: an attempt to destroy the whole feudal system upon which our great region thrives.


Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks. Am I the King Vampire? Yes. Do I have control over those whom I turn into the un-dead? Yes. Should I intervene when vampires attack villagers? Over my un-dead body.


Instead of having my vampires cease their attacks, I will come for a tour of your village. As Nosferatu, and the fact that I am driven by an insatiable thirst for blood, my attendance may alarm some of the villagers. That, and I will be travelling with a brood of vampires and familiars, so there will be a heavy vampire presence.


Will my visit cause panic, fear, and division? Likely, but it’s important that I demonstrate my blatant callousness and parade my unflagging force. Our fangs will be waiting to puncture flesh if a single villager steps out of line. You can “Count” on it.


Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Count Dracula