No, Your Honor, I Did Not Build A Fire Pit to Burn Documents Relevant to My Criminal Investigation

Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to make a statement concerning the prosecutor’s request to have my bail revoked. Their allegation that I have constructed a large stone fire pit in my backyard in order to burn documents that may be relevant to the criminal investigation against me is nothing more than prevarication. Despite many of the documents that one might believe pertinent to this trial suddenly and inexplicably disappearing, and despite the recent increase of bonfires in my backyard and photos of me dancing around said fires while throwing paper-like objects into the flames, I must insist that these two things are entirely coincidental and circumstantial. Those were simply old drawings of pineapples I made that I was burning, Your Honor.

You see, I have recently discovered how relaxing having a bonfire in my own backyard can be—how the fire just burns away all of the fears and anxieties brought on by this trial, leaving nothing behind but a calm sense of liberating exoneration. For example, on a scale from one to ten for feeling good, with one being sentenced to death in a North Korean work camp, and ten being absconding on a 10-day cruise to Antigua with late-’90s Carmen Electra, I’d put burning things in my fire pit at about an eight.

I stand falsely accused of many crimes here today, including colluding with the Russians, bankruptcy fraud, false claims for postal losses, foreign lottery fraud, bribery for certain non-existent “pee-pee tapes,” illegal sweepstakes schemes, celebrity grave-robbing, liquor trafficking, and theft of rare turtle eggs, among others. But one crime that I *do not* stand accused of is arson and, frankly, I am aggrieved, Your Honor.

Actually, I stand corrected on that last statement. My lawyer has just informed me that arson is also among the many charges leveled against me. Of course, as with the other charges, these accusations of arson and pyromania are completely false and simply insulting. Yes, congratulations, Your Honor—I am now officially insulted. Just because a man enjoys watching a roaring bonfire inside of his self-made fire pit, or has an affinity for safely setting certain objects ablaze, such as an oil drum filled with old carpet, an oil drum filled with old oil, or an abandoned boot factory, does not make him a pyromaniac or an arsonist, nor does it make him a criminal.

Also, at this point, Your Honor, I would like to immediately fire my lawyer. I am tired of his constant nagging and instructing me as to what I should and should not say. I am an American and I have rights and he is being an asshole. He just won’t shut up and boy, I wish I could light his stupid, enormous house on fire. Maybe find some oil drums filled with old abandoned boots and burn those in his office… Obviously I am speaking in completely figurative terms, but you understand, Your Honor. I feel like you really get me.

Regardless of all of this, I steadfastly maintain my innocence and deny these latest allegations of my destroying incriminating evidence in a fire pit. Should such supposed incriminating documents actually be disappearing, I can certainly tell you that it is not I, nor the cleansing flames of my fire pit, that are to blame. I rest my case.