Eulogy for a Cobra Command Henchmen
Hello, thank you all for coming today. We are here not to mourn, but to instead celebrate the life of Henchman 43 of Cobra Command, better known to all of us, as Dave, who met his unfortunate death yesterday at the hands of G.I. Joe after being launched into that active Volcano from his helicopter pod. Dave was a bright young star, first in his class at the Cobra Command Academy. He always wanted to serve evil forces and Cobra Command to the best of his ability, and although he started in the mailroom his first day, quickly rose through the ranks to become one of our finest soldiers. Hell, just that morning we were thinking about donning him with his own funny hat and metal plated facemask.
Not only was Dave a great soldier though, but he was also a great father. I’d like to take this time to remember Dave’s loving wife, Kim, a third grade teacher at the local elementary school, as well as his two beautiful children, Dave Jr. and Max, both of whom will be growing up without a father now thanks to GI Joe and their tricks.
I remember the first day I met Dave. We didn’t know each other yet. It was only his third day or something and I hadn’t even been named Commander yet. It was my birthday and without ever having met him Dave brought in enough cupcakes for the entire office. He certainly didn’t have to. It was just the kind of guy Dave was.
These are dark days for Cobra Command. It becomes harder every day to perpetrate evil acts, both in plain sight and from our gigantic but still completely secret base that has the Cobra logo painted on the outside of it. I know that we all fear that we may be the next Dave, but if we look within ourselves and believe in the evil work that we are doing, we all can overcome the wrongful deaths of G.I. Joe and fight in the memory of Dave here.
Let us all stand now in solidarity, charge our laser beam pistols, and move forward in our united fight against those awful G.I. Joe forces. Let’s do it for Dave the same way he would have done for us.
COBRA!
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Tim Latterner is the leading expert on pizza folding techniques, black and white cookies, and all things sandwich related. He has written for CollegeHumor, Playboy Magazine, MAD Magazine, and a bunch of other humor publications. He’s a good guy, you should get to know him.
