Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility

1.     Pancakes and eggs in bed.

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2.     Pancakes and eggs in bed after a full 8 hours of sleep.

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3.     Pancakes and eggs in bed after a full 8 hours of sleep, prepared in a kitchen you will not have to clean.

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4.     A school lunch bento box that is simply one large compartment to toss a bologna sandwich in, and not a myriad of taunting parallelograms that you are expected to fill with a daily buffet of nutritionally-sound canapés shaped like bunnies and hearts.

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5.     An MP3 recording of voice actors performing an “emergency weekend work Zoom,” which you may play loudly from behind the locked door of your choosing for 45 undisturbed minutes.

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6.     One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness.

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7.     A personal shopper who sneaks into your closet under the cover of darkness and trades out all your pre-children jeans with the exact same items in a larger, more forgiving fit, so that someday – when you are feeling especially brave – you will try on clothes from 2013 and think, “Well, hey now!”

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8.     An Uber that has a car seat.

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9.     A song that: (a) your 4-year old loves, (b) you love, (c) does not contain a swear word, (d) does not explicitly mention drugs, (e) does not explicitly mention sex, (f) does not imply the existence of swear words, drugs, or sex by utilizing a cutesy euphemism that would most certainly be understood by all adults as reference to said expletive/illicit drug/sex act if it were to be repeated at preschool.

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10.  The song in the item above, which will also spontaneously disappear from all streaming platforms the second you get sick of it, in a phenomenon your child both totally understands and accepts without hesitation.

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11.  A recent, critically acclaimed movie with a runtime equal to or less than the 1 hour and 47 minutes you have available to you between your kids’ bedtime and your bedtime.

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12.  Pancakes and eggs in bed after a full 8 hours of sleep, prepared in a kitchen you do not have to clean, served to you by your family on any of the 51 subsequent Sundays that occur before next Mother’s Day.