Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility

1.     Pancakes and eggs in bed.

2.     Pancakes and eggs in bed after a full 8 hours of sleep.

3.     Pancakes and eggs in bed after a full 8 hours of sleep, prepared in a kitchen you will not have to clean.

4.     A school lunch bento box that is simply one large compartment to toss a bologna sandwich in, and not a myriad of taunting parallelograms that you are expected to fill with a daily buffet of nutritionally-sound canapés shaped like bunnies and hearts.

5.     An MP3 recording of voice actors performing an “emergency weekend work Zoom,” which you may play loudly from behind the locked door of your choosing for 45 undisturbed minutes.

6.     One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness.

7.     A personal shopper who sneaks into your closet under the cover of darkness and trades out all your pre-children jeans with the exact same items in a larger, more forgiving fit, so that someday – when you are feeling especially brave – you will try on clothes from 2013 and think, “Well, hey now!”

8.     An Uber that has a car seat.

9.     A song that: (a) your 4-year old loves, (b) you love, (c) does not contain a swear word, (d) does not explicitly mention drugs, (e) does not explicitly mention sex, (f) does not imply the existence of swear words, drugs, or sex by utilizing a cutesy euphemism that would most certainly be understood by all adults as reference to said expletive/illicit drug/sex act if it were to be repeated at preschool.

10.  The song in the item above, which will also spontaneously disappear from all streaming platforms the second you get sick of it, in a phenomenon your child both totally understands and accepts without hesitation.

11.  A recent, critically acclaimed movie with a runtime equal to or less than the 1 hour and 47 minutes you have available to you between your kids’ bedtime and your bedtime.

12.  Pancakes and eggs in bed after a full 8 hours of sleep, prepared in a kitchen you do not have to clean, served to you by your family on any of the 51 subsequent Sundays that occur before next Mother’s Day.