FAQ for When Your Man Buys a Home Brew Kit
Q: Why has my man just purchased a home brew kit?
A: He’s a man’s man who loves nothing more than the union of his two great loves: creating something with his calloused hands and downing an icy cold frothy.
Q: We’ve been together for over ten years, and he’s had no interest in beer until a month ago. How is beer suddenly a “great love?”
A: Beer is the golden nectar of the gods. Some scholars have asserted that Narcissus was not captivated by his reflection, but rather by a pool of beer.
Q: I would describe my man’s hands less as “calloused” and more as “smooth like a day-old baby silkworm’s bottom.” Do you really think he’s a “man’s man?”
A: Absolutely! Any man who brews their own beer is a man’s man. Brewing your own beer has a lineage all the way back to Ancient Mesopotamia when two Sumerian warriors made love in a barley field. Nine months and a painful delivery later, beer was born.
Q: Doesn’t that mean brewing beer is also a woman’s pastime?
A: No. The warriors were both men.
Q: How does that work?
A: It’s the miracle of beer.
Q: So, why is my man suddenly interested in brewing beer?
A: He’s trying to show you he’s listening. Remember saying, “Please find yourself a hobby?”
Q: This is my fault?
A: No. This is your inspiration!
Q: How did he grow a well-groomed foot-long beard overnight?
A: Just like the conversion of starch into wort, it’s a natural part of the beer brewing process.
Q: What’s the “correct reaction” to seeing our bathtub filled with fermenting starch?
A: Admiration! If he’s already filled the tub, then he’s well on his way to his first batch of liquid bread.
Q: Do I need to taste test his beer?
A: You don’t need to, but it sure would be a nice way to show support.
Q: Why did he sulk away when I told him that his beer was “yummy?”
A: Beer is not “yummy.” Beer is Tom Selleck’s mustache. Beer is James Earl Jones’s voice. Beer is Daniel Craig’s swimming trunks. Beer is Nick Offerman’s woodworking. Beer is the last three letters of Morgan Freeman’s name. Beer is John Adams Dix’s neck beard.
Q: So, how do I tell him the truth that his beer tastes like rusty nails soaked in vinegar?
A: That’s exactly how beer should taste! Tell him it is fit to be served to Thor in the Great Halls of Asgard.
Q: Can I still have a bath?
A: Of course! In fact, it’s encouraged. There’s no better way to show your support for his newfound passion than by getting naked and fermenting with the lukewarm yeast of his half-formed man juice.
Q: Why am I completely covered in thrush?
A: You took a bath in beer.
Q: Why have I started to grow hair on my chest?
A: Another by-product of taking a bath in beer.
Q: Can I get rid of the hair?
A: It’s possible, although not likely. Shaving it would probably make it grow back thicker. We suggest embracing the doormat you now find between your nipples. Alternatively, you could sculpt your hairy hedge into something manly — for example, your man chugging a flagon while bareback straddling a rearing stallion.
Q: How should I react when my man tells me he is going to quit his job and open a microbrewery from our guest bedroom?
A: Support. Remember, this was your inspiration!
Q: Why am I having urges to fistfight a bear?
A: Again, you took a bath in beer.
Q: Why is there a line of lumberjacks outside my house?
A: They’re not lumberjacks. They’re other men’s men waiting to try your man’s beer.
Q: Will I have to get another job to support his “life’s passion?”
A: Yes!
Q: Will this venture ever be profitable?
A: Not financially, but it will profit his soul.
Q: By “profit his soul,” do you mean that he will be busy brewing beer while I support our family financially, emotionally, physically, and in every other possible way?
A: Yes!
Q: Why?
A: He’s a man’s man.
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Sydney based. Featured in McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, and others.
