Hi, I’m the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie—You Can See Me, Right?

Um…hey. You just blew ass in me 5 minutes ago, and now you’re documenting your post-poop physique with me hanging out right in the background? I get it, we all feel a lot lighter after dumping a fat load. You look good. But it seems a little…it just all seems a little too fresh. The Squatty Potty is still in position. The bowl of potpourri on top of me is nearly wilting and crying out for help. If the Internet could capture the smell of a photo at time of taking, everyone would be in for a real treat. So, is my presence really even needed here?


I guess I’m just missing the point of taking a mirror picture in 2021. You have a front-facing camera. If you absolutely needed a full-body pic (I get it, I like to show off my full tank every once in a while too), you have a full-length mirror in your room. Your cute room, where there’s sexier background items like your unmade bed, your chaise lounge with all your dirty clothes thrown on it, your dying plants. It screams sex appeal! So what possessed you to take a photo in the little girls’ room where you have your grossest, most intimate moments? Like, you just popped a zit and I can still see the pus splattered on the mirror. Someone (God knows it wasn’t you) just flossed and all the food particles are in the sink. It’s gross, dude. And all of that is showing up on camera and now floating around the Internet thanks to your choices.


And if you’re gonna include me in your photo, you didn’t have to post such a bad one of me. I know you look really cute and everything, and it’s your post so of course you chose the best one of you, but…seriously, I look like crap. For one, my seat is up, so everything is on display. If you zoom in really close, you can see a shit stain in my bowl. I guess that’s more of a reflection of you than me, but still. The bottom line is, you can see literally everything. Had I known that today was Picture Day in the bathroom, I would have gussied up a bit. In fact, I’ve had my eye on this very nice and tasteful beige carpet seat cover that’s 20% off featured in the May 1996 issues of the JCPenney’s catalogue. You should know this, considering I’ve had the page dog-eared for the last 24 years. But once people started reading the back of shampoo bottles and now their smartphones, they stopped caring about what “I” was interested in. And now you’re acting like we’re all buddy-buddy, posting pictures of us together? Honestly, I’m calling bullshit.


I understand that we’re all looking for a form of escapism right now, and of course we’re looking back and getting nostalgic. Back in our peaks, you could whip out a peace sign and take a picture with the flash on from your digital camera in the same amount of time I could flush down the hardest, large morning log without any clogs. Shit, those were the days, weren’t they? Now, you’re using Snapchat filters to erase your acne scars rather than your acne, while I require the assistance of a plunger every other go. I guess what I’m trying to say is…this all just seems very 2007. A lot of things have changed. I mean, I have a bidet attachment now. We’ve all gotten a little older, haven’t you?


…But, if I’m going to be in the picture anyway, at least angle it a little better so you can get a better view of my tank. Also, flip my toilet paper roll to go over and instead of under—I don’t know what monster is in charge of that. And clean your mirror, like I said your zit pus stain is clear as day and is covering up my flusher handle. On second thought, do you think I should actually keep my lid up, or keep it PG and put it down? I don’t want to look like I flush for just anyone. And don’t forget to blur out my bidet attachment, I don’t want its picture floating around on the internet for those perverts to use. Oh, and don’t forget to tag me!