Gambling Problem? Visit Our Casino!
We at Betplex Wagermania offer the most heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping table games, slots, and sports gambling anywhere, but we understand the destructive power of addiction. Furthermore, we’re against it. Per a recent settlement, we have to be.
If you are unable to control your impulses, we encourage you to avail yourself of the complimentary counseling services at Betplex Wagermania’s Ultimate Palace of Chance.
These gambling-addiction counseling services are as free as the drinks at our casino. To get them, just make your way to our Bet Responsibly booth. Pass the craps tables on your right; turn left at the blinking, ringing slot machines; hang a slight right after the fourth roulette wheel; wave to the attendant at the sports-betting window at the end of the hallway; and you’re almost halfway there. For complete directions after this point, download our EZ SPORTS BET 24/7 app and, on the navigation bar, all the way to the right after the BEST PROP BETS OF THE DAY – ACT NOW prompt, click the “more” icon, which will reveal a drop-down menu. The last of the 11 options is “complete directions to the Bet Responsibly booth.”
Once you’re there, you’ll find a loving community. Believing in your fellow participants will pay off. Let’s say your friend Frank has a particularly bad hankering to gamble; you can pledge $100 in support of his recovery, voicing your confidence that he can abstain from betting. If Frank makes it six months without placing a bet, your $100 contribution will net you a $1,000 “thank you” payment—a reward for your faith in your buddy. If Frank does place a bet in that time, the Betplex Wagermania Ultimate Palace of Chance Charitable Foundation will keep your $100 and put it toward services to help him.
We believe so much in our responsible-gambling campaign that we are reaching out to the next generation of gamblers before they develop harmful habits. We are sponsoring patches on the uniforms of all major American sports teams during camp days, when the stands will be full of children who need to learn that when they gamble later as adults, they must know when to say when. The tastefully designed patches feature “Betplex Wagermania” in massive type, with “bet responsibly” in a font large enough for children with excellent vision to read from the front row. They will tell the other youngsters that they should bet responsibly only, as peer pressure is a crucial force in kids’ lives and 20/20 vision is a quality that correlates strongly with popularity and influence.
If your gambling mistakes have decimated your bank accounts and cost you your home, you may doubt that you will ever rebuild your wealth—but we can get you started with high-yield investments in cryptocurrency and NFTs. Once you’ve been cured of your gambling problem—and the world’s leading casino scientists have found that it is common for gambling addicts to be cured in as little as 90 minutes—we will send you back out into our casino to prove that you can wager prudently.
To cushion you against any unfortunate missteps as you embark upon a healthier relationship with gambling, we’ll give you a risk-free $100 credit on your first bet. It may sound too good to be true, but your bet really does involve no risk to us.
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Jonathan Zeller is a writer, editor and comedian who’s contributed to McSweeney’s, The New York Times, and Teen Vogue.
