HGTV Presents: Trump’s White House Flippers

Trump speaks from behind his desk in the Oval Office:

“Listen, I feel really bad about all of you big babies getting so butt hurt about accidentally hearing me call the White House a ‘dump’.   In that moment, I was speaking as a slum-lord, and not as the President.    And listen, let me tell you, I’ve been a slum lord for quite a few years, so I know what I’m talking about.    The Obamas were hardly the first black family I’ve had to kick out of a living space, in other words.   You get what I’m saying here?”

“But, okay, fine.    Don’t get your panties in a bunch.   This place really isn’t that great!    Lots of changes to be made.    Lets take this room, the Oval Office.    A round room is stupid, and totally impractical.    How are you supposed to back your female conquests into a dark corner of your office if there are no corners?     I’ve had several attractive young interns manage to scamper away ungroped for just that very reason.    So frustrating!”

Trump now stands outside the Lincoln Bedroom:

“And this one… ugh.   I don’t even want to go in.    Why does this guy get his own bedroom?    He was assassinated while on the job!    Listen, no offense, but I like Presidents who aren’t assassinated.    You think that I don’t have folks trying to take a shot at me 24-7?   C’mon.   And yet, here I am.    So yeah, get rid of this room completely, turn it into a yoga jazzercise thing for Ivanka and her gal pals or something.”

Trump is standing in the entrance of the Situation room:

“This place…  don’t remind me.   A complete disaster.    Bottom line, it needs to be renamed immediately.    Listen, my people and I have a way of communicating with one another, it’s taken years to perfect.    And when I feel that old familiar rumble in my tummy, I tell my handler that I have a ‘situation’, and need to be taken to the nearest ‘situation room’.    That led to a bit of a misunderstanding, and quite an embarrassing moment or two for me personally.    I didn’t want to have to fire that room full of people, you understand…  but you can’t witness the President making a number two on the floor of the White House and be allowed to continue along as if nothing had happened.    Let’s move on.”

Trump now sits on a couch in the Treaty Room:

“Now this one, ugh… don’t get me started.    This is the Treaty Room, right?    But I come in here several times a day, and no treats.    Not even a fun-size Snickers bar… nothing.    It’s non-stop heartache and disappointment, which I know is something that the American people can relate to.   Get rid of it!”

Trump stands in front of the White House:

“Well, my people have told me that I’ve probably talked enough for now.    I’m going to microwave some pizza rolls and watch Ivanka and her friends do the jazzercise, because, you know… health and stuff is important.    Bye!”