Alternatives to Alternative Facts

The truth seems to be a fickle thing in the new White House, as Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway recently suggested there were “alternative facts” surrounding an innocuous story about the size of the crowd at the President’s inauguration. Many found this type of pivoting worrisome, as it opens the door for the White House to twist the facts as they see fit and come up with creative ways to reshape the truth. It won’t be long until we start hearing these Alternatives to Alternative Facts:

“We believe in an open and transparent government. We’re all about informational diversity.”

“We did not see an increase in unemployment this month. The Labor Department report uses very pliant statistics that can be misinterpreted.”

“That is just the way fake news is presenting this story. They clearly lack the adjunct reasoning to properly report on this matter.”

“Wrong! Crime is down. Have you not looked at the free-spirited addendums in the heterogeneous data we have provided?”

“I cannot tell a lie. I am all about telling the proxy truth.”

“You are so narrow minded. You’re not even considering all of the ancillary certainties in the attached brief.”

“Do not go on the air and make those types of claims about our involvement with Russia when we have protractible proof that tells a completely different story.”

“We intend to dispute this false information on climate change. We have surrogate conclusions that show otherwise.”

“The confirmation committee will dismiss the evidence you have provided. We have substitute substantiation that supports the nominee.”

“How can you question what we are saying? We have offered you a bonus reality that clearly outlines all of the syllogistic variants at play.”