Holiday Maladies

Kringle’s Shingles

Very similar to regular shingles, but much more festive. Kringle’s Shingles exhibit the same puffy, red, blistered skin, but are also covered by a thin layer of psoriasis, which gives the appearance of a light dusting of Christmas snow.

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LegNog

Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. If untreated, the wound quickly forms a large bump on the surface of the skin, which then fills itself up with a thick, gooey, nog-like substance. I wish that we could say that we have no idea whether it tastes like actual eggnog or not. It doesn’t.

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Candy Crohn’s Disease

Not entirely dissimilar from it’s more common cousin, Crohn’s disease, Candy Crohn’s Disease manifest itself by swelling certain sections of the intestinal tract into a striping pattern, which when looked at via an MRI, take on the appearance of candy cane stripes. This resulting printed photo makes a fine addition to any festive Christmas card mailing

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MistleTofu

Mysterious, mono-like ailment apparently caused by kissing an affected vegan on the mouth. Can only be cured by enjoying a large, rare steak, unfortunately.

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Jingle Bell’s Palsy

Weakness in one side of the face, usually caused by too much caroling, or kissing a filthy person underneath the mistletoe.

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Tinsel Tonsils

Flu-esque malady, differentiated mostly by the infected person coughing up mucous that has an oddly shiny and festive quality. Unpleasant to experience, but a good way for the budget-minded to save a few bucks on decorating costs during the already costly holiday season.