Holiday Maladies

Kringle’s Shingles

Very similar to regular shingles, but much more festive. Kringle’s Shingles exhibit the same puffy, red, blistered skin, but are also covered by a thin layer of psoriasis, which gives the appearance of a light dusting of Christmas snow.


Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. If untreated, the wound quickly forms a large bump on the surface of the skin, which then fills itself up with a thick, gooey, nog-like substance. I wish that we could say that we have no idea whether it tastes like actual eggnog or not. It doesn’t.

Candy Crohn’s Disease

Not entirely dissimilar from it’s more common cousin, Crohn’s disease, Candy Crohn’s Disease manifest itself by swelling certain sections of the intestinal tract into a striping pattern, which when looked at via an MRI, take on the appearance of candy cane stripes. This resulting printed photo makes a fine addition to any festive Christmas card mailing


Mysterious, mono-like ailment apparently caused by kissing an affected vegan on the mouth. Can only be cured by enjoying a large, rare steak, unfortunately.

Jingle Bell’s Palsy

Weakness in one side of the face, usually caused by too much caroling, or kissing a filthy person underneath the mistletoe.

Tinsel Tonsils

Flu-esque malady, differentiated mostly by the infected person coughing up mucous that has an oddly shiny and festive quality. Unpleasant to experience, but a good way for the budget-minded to save a few bucks on decorating costs during the already costly holiday season.