Originals
How My Trip Abroad Went, Translated
The flight went by so fast, I barely noticed it. = There was a 30-minute window where I was certain I was going to die.
No, the jet lag didn’t bother me one bit. = I’ve never had worse sleep in my life.
Ah! The food was so amazing. = I was unable to move my bowels for three whole days.
Oh and the wine! Some of the best I’ve ever had! = It was fine.
It’s such a beautiful city! = We never ventured past the tourist traps.
And their buildings have so much history! = Is a normal working toilet too much to ask?
I couldn’t believe how walkable the city was! = I couldn’t wait to come home and sit on the couch.
And their public transportation is so extensive! = We got off on the wrong stop and ended up 45-minutes late to dinner.
Everybody spoke English too! = I asked for a dessert menu and was handed a plate of cheese.
I loved how laid back everyone is! = It took an hour to flag down the waiter for our bill.
Everybody was so nice and hospitable. = I’m positive the cab driver called me a slur.
And there’s nothing like traveling with friends. = We fought the entire time.
We got to see some breathtaking sites = We waited in a line for two hours, got a quick picture and then left.
We must’ve walked at least five miles every day! = We walked five miles every day.
I need a vacation from my vacation. = I hate myself.
Thankfully, I planned ahead and scheduled some down time. = I got sick and spent an entire day watching CNN International in my hotel room.
I couldn’t believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.
I’m already planning my next trip! = I’m never doing this again.
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Julien is a Los Angeles based comedy writer and video editor. His work has been featured on McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, American Bystander, Points in Case, & Slackjaw.
