Flight 74 Is Now Boarding Passengers Who Are Better Than You

Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board.  We’ll start with our active duty service members.  No one?  Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches.  Only two people?  In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas.  Thank you for your service!

My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35

Noise Levels: Once The Light Sleeper enters the Designated Sleeping Space, silence must reign for the following ten (10) hours. The Host commits to ameliorating any excess noise, including, but not limited to: household snoring, street noise from the nearby fire station, pet snuffles, and whatever that creaking pipe and/or Victorian ghost situation was last time. 

The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System

Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call...

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

Your Luggage is Not Lost; It’s on a Journey of its Own Choosing

Our company’s goal is to help travelers find a comfortable means of getting to where they’re headed. Like our commitment to flying you safely and comfortably to your destination, Newark, we are also committed to making sure your bag is where it’s meant to be: in Zurich. 

Let's Get High And Go To The Van Gogh Museum

I know I’ve never done marijuana before, but I hear the weed is different here, stronger, fancier, more European. Like people forget where they are and just wander the streets of Amsterdam, with time revealing itself as the manmade construct it’s always been. People say you’ll learn to live fully in the moment, and everything else falls away, like an ear falling off someone’s head.

CARTOON: Battered Baggage

Safe Travels! Hope all is shell. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: BC: Before Covid

Reach across the aisle? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

CARTOON: New Coronavirus Mascot

Oh, you're traveling? Wow, your trip must be pretty important...Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO! As a Single Woman on Group Trips

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

CARTOON: Guilt Trip

Look but don't touch! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Incredibly Honest Postcards

not MISSING YOU one bit...and more!

Fall TV Preview!

America's Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it's hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won't be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)

A Word Of Warning, Everyone Who Swims In The Pool Of This Hampton Inn Drowns

Yes indeed, everyone single person who swims in The Pool drowns. There have been hundreds of deaths. We had to install an incinerator in the basement to keep up with all the bodies. The wifi code is HamptonSmiles45. 

What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?

GoFundMe Story Written By An Influencer Who Totally Hates To Accept ANYTHING From ANYONE

I need to be in SoHo to be surrounded by my fellow influencers and high-ranking members of society. As you know, I hate networking (see my YouTube video “Daily Struggles Of A Hot, Social Introvert”) but it has to be done.

Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times

“Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity."

CARTOON: Flying Vultures

Don't even get us started on the boarding groups. Today's cartoon by Michael Maiello & Marty Dundics.

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

Your Basic Economy Flight Add-Ons

Seating $50: upgrade from inside the wooden crate in the luggage compartment to a seat on top of a battered suitcase in the luggage compartment. $150: upgrade to the toilet when it’s not occupied.

A Sampling of the Times I Said “I’m Sorry” on My European Tour of Self Discovery

In the palace square, when I walked a little too close to a few…

Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts

Dear        Mr. Brody    , WELCOME!  We are delighted…

A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…

My TripAdvisor

“Had Reservations Before We Made Reservations” ★★☆☆☆ Reviewed…

The Politically Incorrect Traveler's Exam

Travel magazines, basic cable channels, and websites inevitably…