How Ron DeSantis Will Spend All His New Free Time, Now That He’s No Longer Running for President
Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun.
Archery, using as a target a picture of Donald Trump.
Wedding cake decorating, topping them with little plastic figures of only one man and only one woman, each of which is certified to have been the same sex since when it was injection-molded.
Found poetry, using passages from U.S. history books and removing the words “slavery” and “Black.”
Hand-washing Hannity’s Escalade every week for the next year, for staying “impartial” during that alternate reality Gavin Newsom debate thing.
Hanging out on cool evenings in his backyard, comfortably warmed next to a fire-pit fueled by burning Disney princess movie singalong DVDs.
Creating fake accounts on Yelp, to write negative reviews of Mar-a-Lago.
Chainsaw sculpting, carving life-size statues of Samuel Alito.
Guest lecturing at New College on literally any subject (except CRT), now that a third of the faculty have left.
Building model commercial airplanes, painting miniature faces of undocumented immigrants looking out the windows as they’re being flown from Texas to New York City.
Jewelry-making, fashioning hundreds of Taylor Swift style friendship bracelets, all with beads reading the lyric, “I’m not your princess.”
Skeet-shooting, using skeets in the shape of the head of Donald Trump.
Quiltmaking, beginning with an American flag pattern that includes 29 AK-47s where the stars should be, for all the states that have passed “stand your ground” laws.
Learning guitar and fronting a group that plays covers of a classic 1970s act, to be called The Even Whiter Than Average White Band.
Scrapbooking, pasting in selfies he took with the billionaires whose private jets they used to let him ride.
Ninja training, so he can finally sneak up undetected behind Rick Scott and give him that long overdue wedgie.
Building a 1/2,000-scale Lego replica of the US-Mexico border wall.
Nostalgia tourism, with a goal to visit all 23 of Florida’s former sundown towns.
Going through his stacks of the past 17 years of the National Review and blotting out with a Sharpie any pictures of Nikki Haley.
Effigy-making, starting with a life-size replica of Donald Trump.
Shopping for cowboy boots with even taller lifts, which is totally not gay in any way at all.
Relabeling unisex restrooms around the state of Florida and proudly installing made-in-America urinals in half of them.
Trying on Kevin-McCarthy-sized knee pads, so he’s prepared for groveling back to Donald Trump.
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Andy Schocket is a historian, writer, and proud union member. He lives in the banana republic known as “Ohio.”
