It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness

“A bill backed by Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis that would prohibit Florida’s public schools and private businesses from making people feel ‘discomfort’ or ‘guilt’ based on their race, sex or national origin received first approval Tuesday by the state’s Senate Education Committee.” –CNN, 1/20/22

Mind-boggling cluelessness isn’t as easy to maintain as it was in the good old days when people who didn’t look like Mr. Clean weren’t allowed to speak. Gone are the days when a man could live his life without ever feeling a tiny shred of uncertainty about the pure innocence and inherent good intentions of every generation that came before him.

The real virus sweeping the nation is self-awareness. As a lawmaker in the great state of Florida, it is my duty to the people to protect them (white) from ever wondering, even for a second, why grandpa changed the channel every time Family Matters came on.

Above all else, it is my job as governor to preserve three inalienable rights for every man in Florida: life, liberty, and the pursuit of complete stupidity.

If you ask me, we’re doing a fine job of this. But in 2022 it has become harder and harder to protect our white children from feeling singled out after they say the n-word. Tommy comes home each day feeling guilt and anguish when no one laughed when he called Daniel gay for wearing nail polish. Imagine how Michael must have felt when he excitedly told everyone at lunch that he wanted to have his future wedding on a plantation, only for Jefferson to explain why that probably wasn’t a good idea.

Now Michael is going to get married on a yacht. Think of the children.

No longer are teachers teaching our students history. They’re indoctrinating them with the  ridiculous notion that a country where slavery was legal for 400 years might still be racist. Today’s children do not need the burden of knowing that racism exists. They already know sexism existed at one point and that’s enough to handle for one generation.

Frankly, teaching our students that racism is still baked into our law books and continues to be present in our society is discrimination. The history of slavery, Jim Crow, and blatant racism in America must be taught objectively.

The great Martin Luther King Jr. called for people to be judged on the content of their character, not on the fact that they’re from Florida. We are upholding his legacy by introducing the “Stop WOKE Act,” which will put an end to critical race theory. Phew, now I don’t have to google critical race theory. What a relief.

In our great state, if you feel guilty about other people’s discrimination, you will be able to sue for discrimination. We aren’t like the liberals who get all wrapped up in not offending anyone. We will prosecute you for causing minor discomfort or making someone aware of the fact that they are a white, straight man. I must shield innocent Floridians from the monsters that are self-awareness, intelligence, and a well-rounded education.

Just like the air, the ignorance in Florida is so thick you can stab it with a fork. We intend to keep it that way.