How to Grow a Confident, Masculine Cactus that Commands Respect

People always ask me, Bob, why do cactuses these days seem so submissive and weak? Where did their spines go? Why are they wearing cutesy little sombreros? What does an entire display of “Cuddle-Me-Cactuses” at the Home Depot say about the state of Western society? Well, my friend, you’re right to be concerned.

What’s happened over the last sixty years is that the same snowflakes responsible for bonsai gardens and hypoallergenic dirt got their hooks into the cultural narrative and have been insidiously pushing (see PlantTok, DIY Pinterest, local craft fairs) a fundamental identity shift among cactuses. They want ’em smaller. Smoother. Kid friendly. Pet friendly.

Take Acanthocereus tetragonus, for example. A columnar cactus that grows over fifteen feet tall in the wild, knows what it wants and is not afraid to take it, and proudly bears such common names as “Barbed Wire” and “Sword Pear” — this Leviathan of a plant was manipulated in a greenhouse (probably by lady botanists who couldn’t take a joke) to cultivate a miniature variety called “Fairy Castle,” which is too stunted to reproduce, but will fit neatly into the terrarium in your ex wife’s therapist’s office.

Like I explained in last week’s blog post, the horticultural marxist agenda is literally all around us, trying to sissify the nation’s cacti. You might think I’m overstating the problem, but consider that every day a cactus dies because some blue-haired they/them took it home thinking it was “so dang adorbs” but failed to see the link between diminished primal power and root rot before it was too late.

To be fair, it’s not your fault you were sold a lie. How were you supposed to know that this Trichocereus covered in rainbow pompoms yearns to be a Silverback dominating his harem? Or that this googly-eyed Astrophytum must be bullied relentlessly to become a strong provider?

Let me spell it out for any “Plant Parents” who are reading: A cactus is biologically programmed to suffer. To endure the elements in stoic silence. To fight and fail. To overcome. You took this hardened survivalist, this apex of evolution, named it Lulu, and stuck it in a pot shaped like a unicorn. You read it poetry and watered it at the slightest whisper of a wrinkle. Then you watched, helpless, as it slowly died of shame.

The good news is that now you are beginning to uncover The Truth. Armed with this knowledge, it’s not too late to change Lulu’s name to Leonidas, stop coddling, and watch as your cactus lives longer than three months and becomes master of its domain.

For just $299, YOU can learn how to grow a leader among Cactaceae. A high value plant that sinks a taproot without apology and pulls nines and tens wherever it goes. My course, Sowing Order in a Confused World, covers all this stuff and a lot more that the SJWs at the plant swap don’t want you to know about. Here’s a FREE sample of some tips I share in the first module, “Beta Gardening Habits That Make A Cactus Soft”:

1. Stop watering every other day. Water once every two weeks, at most, and make sure the cactus knows it’s lucky to be getting even that much.
2. Skip the $27 bag of organic fertilizer. Remember–excess nutrients in the soil can lead to scorched roots and a feminine obsession with appearance.
3. Buy American. Trust me, you don’t want whatever disease’s stowed away in the pads of that Mexican-grown Opuntia. We have perfectly good desert farms in our great states of Texas and Arizona!

And there’s plenty more where that came from. As always, you can subscribe to my newsletter at www.WarriorGardener.com and/or book a one-on-one cultivation consultation with yours truly. Remember to stay turgid out there.

Bob

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Sam Everick

Sam is a writer based in Baltimore, MD. Their work has appeared in The Toast and Robot Butt, and occasionally they update their website: www.sameverick.com.

• How to Grow a Confident, Masculine Cactus that Commands Respect