Best of 2022

‘So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?’


So your fiancée woke up with a pumpkin for a head? No worries, just pump the brakes a little bit and acknowledge that the first thing you’re going to want to do is scream. Loudly. Like you’ve been dropped onto the set of Tod Browning’s “Freaks”. But I’m telling you very calmly: don’t. Bite your lip, smile like the normal-headed human you are, and discreetly start taking down all the mirrors in your house. Knock them to the ground, cover them with blankets, even throw your shoes at them to shatter ‘em. This will be a very smart and crucial move that will pay off as the day continues. So breathe deep, buckle up, and play it cool – you got this.



One interesting thing that you’re going to notice when your lover has a pumpkin for a head is that they don’t have any ears. None. No holes, no indents, no nothing – I don’t even know how it works. But what you’re going to have to do now, is start speaking loudly. Very loudly. Again, no  screaming – this is just speaking in a manner that your pumpkin headed betrothed will actually understand. You’ll say lots of things and their head will either nod in agreement or shake in disagreement, they won’t know that anything is different at all. If they mumble gibberish to you in terrifying pumpkin-speak – again, don’t scream – just do as they do and nod your head and carry on like it’s another day of regular-headed halcyon engagement bliss.



Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house – meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it – she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever. So don’t talk about food or acknowledge the existence of food, just secretly eat your meals in private and hope that they don’t start pointing to their human stomach and pumpkin mouth. If they do – just shake your head like you don’t understand, or pretend that you saw a friend drive by on the street and honked at you. Go ahead, just wave at no one, it’s okay. Hi there, wave!



If you can do this next step before any work meetings occur, today just might be a success. Something that will help immensely with video-conference calls and social meetings of all kinds is a light disguise. Now you won’t be able to completely hide a massive pumpkin head with clothes, but you can sure come damn close. Buy some librarian style eyeglasses with the long goofy chain, get a big chunky waffle scarf to throw around their pumpkin chin, get a touch up in the cosmetics aisle, and most importantly – buy a really big, really long winter hat – the kind that elves wear. This will help cover up the ever-revealing pumpkin stem. Sure, people might say things but we’ll cover that in the next step. For now, be fashion forward and lock down that disguise.



Sooner or later you’re going to have to explain why everyone’s been shouting “Oh my God Janice your head turned into a pumpkin – what happened!?!?” all day long. You should do this around early to mid-afternoon, that way the rest of the day will be a breeze. What you’re going to want to do is very matter-of-factly say something like “Gad zooks Janice! That National Day Calendar gets whackier every year! Did you hear what today is? It’s national Tell Someone You Have a Pumpkin for a Head Day day!” Once you’ve dropped this bomb, your pumpkin head should start to relax a bit  and realize that everything she’s heard today has been one big goof. All her flustered and accidental head bonkings around the house should settle down significantly too.



Simply put – pumpkin head’s are heavy and you’re gonna need to help your fiancée toughen up that neck. Start orchestrating 4pm neck and shoulder exercises. Make it seem like a big game and laugh like you do this all the time. Your pumpkin headed lover will be initially confused but then they’ll go with it because that’s what love is – inexplicably doing neck and shoulder exercises because your partner wants to and because your head feels surprisingly lighter after doing so. Nice job team, go you.



Well? Pat yourself on the back because you just successfully navigated day one with your pumpkin headed fiancée all thanks to this perfectly executed plan. In order to celebrate, grab a book, hop into bed and drop a lit candle inside your lover’s head. If they object, tell them to stop overreacting and enjoy the Fall ambiance. Then, after a few chapters, blow out the candle, pull up the covers and get ready for day two – it’s infinitely more complicated than day one, and there’s no guide for that – so goodnight and good luck!