It’s almost summer, so you know what that means: Things are about to get hot. A little too hot, if you know what we mean. That’s your cue to keep things as cool as possible. Here are some ways guaranteed to keep your house extremely and comfortably cool this summer.
- It’s about time your car ditched that stale 2002 Honda Civic it bought from the neighbors and get a set of wheels that screams cool. We’re talkin’ bitchin’, we’re talkin’ cherry red, we’re talkin’ convertible, we’re talkin’ a bitchin’ cherry red convertible for your house to cruise around in all summer.
- The Surgeon General may know a lot about medicine or whatever, but that dude doesn’t know shit about being cool. So yeah, smoking might give you cancer and shit, but it looks undeniably boss as fuck. Teaching your house to smoke is an express-bullet-train to Kewlsville. Hey, if God didn’t want houses to smoke, he wouldn’t have given them chimneys, am I right?
- Slip your house some awesome tune-age. Like the Velvet Underground. Only the Velvet Underground. And only their real albums, not that Loaded piece of shit they made after Lou Reed left.
- Your house needs shades, man. Shades let the world know the sun is bright, but so is your house’s whole vibe, so much so that it’s just gotsta wear some sweet shades so as to not get blinded by its own amazeballness. Get down to the House-Size Sunglasses Hut at the mall and pick up some house-size shades for your house, pronto.
- One more thing about the shades: Whenever a group of sexy houses in teeny bikinis walk by, make sure your house lowers its sunglasses to get a better look and says “’Sup, fine houses,” as it does so.
- One human year equals six house years, so if your house is at least three-and-a-half-years-old, that means it can and should buy beer for all the neighborhood teenz.
- Now would be a good time to let everyone know that your house’s cousin’s friend’s uncle is Brendan Fraser.
- Why the hell doesn’t your house have a tattoo yet? Even if it’s just a heart with an arrow through it above the electricity use monitor, that’s all it needs.
- Your house can’t be cool with its old name. It’s not “355 NW Eleventh” anymore—it’s got to be Luke, Logan, Brad, Chad, or Duplex. (Note: Your house doesn’t have to be a duplex to be named Duplex; Duplex is just a tight as hell name.)
- Teach your house to skateboard.
- It sounds counterintuitive with it being summer and all, but it goes without saying: Get. A. Leather. Jacket. For. The. House.
Brian Boone is a contributor to Funny or Die, Someecards, Splitsider, The Chive, and Looper, and his work has appeared on McSweeney’s, StarWipe, and many other fine humor and pop culture destinations. He’s the author of several delightful books, wrote a musical about pirates, and came in third on Jeopardy! once. He will clog your Twitter timeline with dad jokes.