I Am Declining Your Mandatory Meeting Invite and Taking a Nap

You know how long it’s been since I’ve had a little lie down? A little midday zzz-sess? I can’t even remember. Before I took this job, for sure. One in the middle of a workday? That hasn’t happened. Ever.

But, this morning I looked at my schedule and saw your meeting at 2:00 p.m., “Revised Q1 goals & new bonus targets” and thought to myself there’s no fucking way I’m spending a day like this in a meeting about numbers we all agreed upon three weeks ago. It’s raining, bro. Like, hard. I mean, look out the window. That’s not let’s look at some charts you spent way too much time changing to our new corporate colors and talk about how we can improve market share in the southwestern hemisphere weather, dude. That’s weather to pull up the covers and conk the fuck out.

DECLINED.

I get that some meetings you just can’t skip. One-on-ones with the bosslady, scheduled client calls, any meeting that smokeshow Audrey has marked as attending. Not missing those. Yours? All I can say is thank you for the placeholder, homie. In case anyone checks I replaced it on my calendar with “Revised Q1 goals & no one reads this far anyways so fuck it I’m out at exactly 2:01 pm for an EPIC nap and will be back in the office by 3:30, maybe even push it to 4:30 if Randy cancels his weekly recurring bullshit.”

My arms have been up in the victory pose ever since sending that sweet, sweet decline. It’s been like two hours. My triceps are starting to get tired. I’m seeing spots. It’s worth it even if Audrey stared across the conference room table at me looking super cute and very confused. I’m about to Rocky Balboa my one-hundred percent Egyptian cotton percale sheets, babygirl. You’d have your hands up too.

Now you’re calling me? I’m on the road, dude. Sliding through stop lights and slipping away from let’s discuss your ten point performance improvement plan on my way to a sunshining forty fucking winks.

DECLINED.

Calling a second time? Someone better be dead. Or, dying. Is it Randy? Please tell me it’s Randy.

“Hello, ma’am. How is Randy doing? … While I would love nothing more than to be in the pleasure of your company, a pressing matter outside of our working environment has forced me to… I both hear what you are saying and understand the meaning you are conveying with such bold language… Of course nothing in this world is more important than the planning meeting, I shall return posthaste…”

I’m curling right in. Nothing like a self-tuck. All four corners of the blanket are properly situated. Little toesies poking out but the foot is covered. Almost. There we go. This is going to be so fucking epic. A clandestine twenty and back to work before it becomes an issue. Like, a real issue. I’m already drifting off. This was the best idea I’ve ever had.

The level of pure refreshment that has been achieved is beyond historic. The clock says 3:02. Plenty of time to get back to work before bosslady loses it. Like, more than she already has. She’ll be impressed though, I’m like a new man. Someone who wants to look at charts and discuss ways to improve market share across all the hemispheres. Someone who deserves a promotion.

I should write a song about what just happened and sing it to drowsy preschoolers at nappy time. Fuck those other lullabies. They don’t know shit.

Wait, why is it dark out? Oh no. No, no, no, no. It’s 3:02 in the middle of the fucking night. That was not a lil’ self care siesta. That was just like, sleep? Like, lame ass night sleep? A full on beauty snoozey? What the fuck.

I mean, I do feel the best I have in years. Is this why people sleep at night? I have so much energy. I should clean my apartment, organize my finances, write a twelve stanza love poem to Audrey with sick rhymes about how her hair smells like unicorns and shit.

Bosslady is going to be pissed. Probably going to give that promotion to Randy. Can’t believe I missed his weekly free donuts happy hour. He’s such an asshole.

I don’t know if I can get through the workday tomorrow. I jetlagged myself. Again. Maybe I’ll show up early to catch up. Then, later, see if I can slip out for a nap so I can make it through the day. It would be absolutely fucking epic, and necessary. There are no gaps in my schedule. Booked solid with bullshit. Oh, but what’s this that popped up while I was seizing some REMs? There’s no fucking way I’m spending time today discussing personal performance and planning internal staffing changes. A day like today is for actually driving results. For taking action to make us the top selling company in our category and maybe even a completely new one no one has ever thought about before. For taking a quick midday nap because we are so fucking productive there’s no way around it.

“HR check-in?”

DECLINED.