I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I
hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie
I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been
getting a lot of use of it…

 

Here’s the original letter:

 

Dear friends and family,

 

It’s been a good year
despite empty nesting. With all my kids coming out to visit, we’ve been
surprisingly busy. It’s sad to see them move so far away, but they like
this newfound independence. I have to say I like it also. Last week, I had
extra time, so I organized a party for work, where I won first prize at the
ugly sweater contest—take that, Bethany! Cheers to a lovely and blessed
holiday!

 

—Steffanie
Lindoff

 

And here’s the version that was sent to all my friends,
family, and coworkers:

 

Dear friends and
family,

 

It’s been a good year
despite empty nesting. With all
my kids coming out to visit, we’ve
been surprisingly busy. It’s sad to see them move so far away, but they like this newfound independence. I have to say I like it also. Last week, I had extra time, so I organized a party for work, where I
won first prize at the ugly sweater contest—take
that, Bethany! Cheers to a lovely and blessed holiday!

 

—Steffanie Lindoff

 

* * *

 

Dear everyone, I
don’t hate gay people. After not tipping my postal worker over the
holidays, he remedied the situation by redacting my holiday letter. I’ve since
explained my regrets for giving him nothing the other day and have given him a
large tip. Thank goodness that problem is gone. Happy holidays!

 

Dear everyone, I don’t hate gay people. After not tipping my postal worker over the holidays, he remedied the situation by
redacting my holiday letter. I’ve
since explained my regrets for giving him nothing the other day and have given him a large tip. Thank
goodness that problem is gone. Happy holidays!

 

* * *

 

If you’re getting
this and it has a bunch of black rectangles, it means that my mailman Ingram is
trying to screw with you. If I could make him stop, I would, but I can’t.
I’m sorry and apologize for the issues. Ho, ho, ho, Steff.
P.S. I baked too much this year, so let me know if you need help leaving
cookies out for Santa. I doubled the butter. Don’t tell Mrs. Claus 😉

 

If you’re getting
this and it has a bunch of black rectangles, it means that my mailman Ingram is trying to screw with you. If I could make him stop, I would, but I can’t.
I’m sorry and apologize for the issues. Ho, ho, ho, Steff. P.S. I baked too
much this year, so let me know if you need help leaving cookies out
for Santa. I doubled the butter.Don’t tell Mrs. Claus 😉

 

                

* * *

 

I know it sounds crazy, but
the black rectangles all over this letter are from my mailman trying to make me
look like a horny heartless homophobe. I implore you to ignore the numerous
redactions on this note, which I’m sure are everywhere. Ingram’s
influence is real. I promise I’m levelheaded and doing totally fine
living on my own. Regards, Steff

 

I know it sounds crazy, but
the black rectangles all over this letter are from my mailman trying to make me
look like a horny heartless homophobe. I implore you to ignore the numerous
redactions on this note, which I’m sure are everywhere. Ingram’s
influence is real. I promise I’m levelheaded and doing totally fine
living on my own. Regards, Steff

 

* * *

 

I give up. No more letters.
Here’s a festive holiday picture of the kids and I on Santa’s lap.

 

* * *

 

Please ignore the photo you
just received: I assure you I was not naked on Santa’s lap—I was
wearing the same thing as during the ugly sweater contest 🙂

 

Please
ignore the photo you just received: I assure you I was not naked on Santa’s lap—I was
wearing the same thing as during the ugly sweater contest
🙂