Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison
Don’t forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he’ll always… always… be Donald Trump’s bitch.
There are plenty of reasons it’s called white-collar prison, not the least of which is the fact that role-playing as a priest during prison romance is not only allowed, but encouraged.
Don’t stare at Roger Stone directly in his eyes. Not for any sexual dominance reason, but because staring directly into his eyes has been proven to significantly draw power and energy from your soul.
Roger won’t be swayed or seduced by your common prison toilet wine. At the very least, he’ll need a quality prison toilet champagne (just add Alka Seltzer to standard toilet wine).
Please don’t be alarmed or dismayed when Roger cries out Trump’s name during orgasm. He does this while masturbating as well, don’t take it personally.
Don’t mention the crudely drawn prison tattoo that covers most of Roger’s back. It’s a map to Trump’s secret treasure buried beneath a McDonald’s in Queens, and he doesn’t like talking about it.
If Roger insists that you join a gang in order to provide him with protection, the Croonservatives Barbershop Quartet is a well established prison group with many perks, as well as a delightful holiday pot-luck dinner.
Don’t attempt to speak with Roger while he’s doing his business on the commode; Trump used to do this same thing quite often, and it always made Roger uncomfortable.
Remember to use protection, which in this case means making the book deal immediately following your release.
Don’t expect much wiggle room; Roger has been storing confidential thumb drives and CDs within his rectum for Trump for years.
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence