I, Pat Sajak, Have Retired to Spend More Time with My F_ _ _ _ _

Hi there! Nice to have you all here in my home. First tossup is worth 15 minutes of my attention. Category is “animal sounds.”

Piper?

Squeak!

No.

Roger?

Caw!

That’s it! Roger Sajak from right here in Los Angeles. Says here you’re good friends with the other falcons down the street at Drew Carey’s?

Caw! Caw!

Gotcha.

Next we have Piper Sajack from—look at that—Los Angeles. I’m told you’re a big fan of tug of war and playing in water?

Squeak! Squeak!

Good stuff. Classic ferret.

And then we have Fibula Sajak, born in Chicago and now living in—wow!—Los Angeles. Amazing.

Fibula, are you there? All contestants must be visible; this is TV. Because everyone is being filmed these days, Roger. That’s how. Producers, do we have a substitute? Great. Helpful as always, Degas dancers.

Howdy, Finger Sajak. I hear you love to paint, and you have nine siblings? I’m seeing a thumbs up from one of them. Alright then.

You three will be going up against last week’s players. You’ve seen them around. Next tossup is worth a half hour of my time. Category is “home appliance sounds.”

Faucet?

Gushhh.

Nope. Relax, Piper.

Fridge?

Hummm.

You got it.

Fridge Sajak, on the board. You know what? I’ll be delegating that half hour to my maid. Still appreciate you, though.

Which reminds me: it’s 4:45. Time for dinner.

Alright, our final tossup is worth twenty minutes, more or less. We’re looking for “fresh out of the microwave cheesy food sounds.”

Fondue?

Glub.

No—microwaved cheesy food sounds.

Fajita?

Sizzzzle.

Yes! Fajita Sajak, joining the fun.

Don’t look at me like that, Fondue. I make them cheesy, even if that isn’t traditional. If you insist, go take it up with the judges on the chess board. No, silly, just the ones in black.

Finger, can you spin the wheel for our next puzzle? While you’re up, turn the faucet off? Yes, I forgot. Don’t be difficult. I could stop getting manicures, you know. Thank you.

The category now is “warm clothing sounds.”

Fedora, you’d like to solve? Fedora? I need an answer. Not quite your element, now is it.

Fleece?

Zzzzzip.

Judges? Okay, we’ll allow it. Fleece takes it, with an assist from finger and his spokesman. This being a prize puzzle, fleece, you’ll get plenty of time with me…

…on my trip next month to Alaska! Fedora, you wait here. Italy’s in August.

Our final puzzle before the commercial break is “sounds at my front door about two minutes after the security guard at my gate falls asleep.”

Fanboy?

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Ugh, yeah. Piper, get out of my pant leg!

Okay, Steve, Mitchell—whatever your name is. You win another 13 seconds with me while I sign this DVD box set for you. Congrats.

Now if you don’t mind, I have to do the bonus round and then settle in for Jeopardy. I think this is the day that Fridge finally gets a Daily Double.