Taco Bell Has Wine Now! Here Are Other Luxury Items We’re Rolling Out This Year

Taco Bell is debuting its own custom wine, Jalapeño Noir, to pair with its Toasted Cheesy Chalupa.” -CNN



Dear Taco Bell customers,


Following the successful launch of our exclusive wine label, Jalapeño Noir, we’re proudly announcing the launch of our other luxury brands:


Chalupa Smooth Cigars


Our luxurious cigars get their smoky, unique flavor from their main ingredient: high quality bean leftovers scraped from the side of our stainless steel warming pots. Experience the unique fauna of our kitchen’s bacterial signature, infusing our cigars with colorful flavors to excite even the most discerning taste buds.


Cigar Aficionado calls our cigars: “Holy fuck, what was that? It was like smoking a turd.”


Locos Tacos Fine Jewelry


Luxury, refinement, extravagance. We have the distinction of being the only fine jewels made from ground-up Dorito dust.


Our Dorito particles are painstakingly gathered by highly trained practitioners of the ancient janitorial arts, who comb the surfaces of our stores for pulverized Dorito remnants as well as locally sourced shoe gunk and stray hairs. These precious powders are then infused with the carbonized grease from our fryers to make our chic, orange-tinted jewels.


These diamonds are always scored in the highest echelons of quality for edible diamonds, judged by the four C’s: cut, clarity, crisp, and chip. No jewel appears in our collection unless it scores at least a 3 on the lofty “Yum Yum” Scale.


Diamond Today calls our diamonds: “These are diamonds?” Allure Magazine referred to them as, “The fashion don’t of 2020.”Modern Jeweler said, “There are no words.”


Carnit-ass Allure: Fragrance for Humans


Our new fragrance, Carnit-ass Allure: Fragrance for Humans, is distilled from a blend of our most gaseous cow vapors. Our organic formula has tested “within parameters” for contact with human skin.


High in methane, this sophisticated scent can also be used as a mosquito repellant, bunion remover, and alternative fossil fuel. If the versatility wasn’t enough to attract your attention, Fragrance Magazine has described its odeur as “survivable.”


Podiatrist Monthly hailed it as, “potentially too effective in use for dissolving bunions,” hailing that use should be “limited.”


Bella Bonita Handbags


Our exclusive handbags are unmatched by any other designer. Simply fold open the soft shell top and lay your belongings on a bed of lettuce, cheese and tomato. Here, your tampons and cell phone will be cradled in the savory, lush bounty of the earth.


Our indulgent handbags are all limited edition items, so limited, in fact, that they must be thrown away after three days of use. Nothing says fashion like an expiration date.


Picture yourself lounging by the pool at your country club when you get an appetite for cheese. Luckily, your designer snack is within arm’s reach. You can feast on your Bella Bonita bag, savoring its recently acquired bathroom floor dampness.


Vogue called this specially crafted handbag: “A taco.”


Prema Sour Crème Beauty Crème


Our patented, age-defying formula is distilled from the nipples of the majestic bovine, providing the rejuvenating power of mother’s milk. After just three weeks of application, one will see a noticeable difference in other people’s frown lines as they approach from downwind.


After lathering this crème on day after day, you may recognize some of the signs that you’ve become more beautiful: people will cover their noses and faces out of shame, others may turn and run.


Health and Beauty Magazine says that this product does “not qualify” and can’t be compared to other items they’ve reviewed.” The FDA praises that this “requires refrigeration” and “is acceptable for human consumption.”


Pest Control Monthly says that “bugs seem to be attracted to it” and claim that it is “potentially valuable” as an insect bait. “For those who say you catch more flies with honey,” they write, “you haven’t tried this.”


But how will you pay for all these luxury items, you may ask? Apply today for a Taco Bell credit “chard.” For every thousand dollars you spend, you’ll get four free sauce packets.