I’m Definitely Going to Get Arrested Friday
I’m going to be arrested Friday for something I haven’t done. I know I said Tuesday, but I hadn’t thought through all the steps involved. Or Saturday at the latest. The DA will say it’s for robbing a liquor store. But really it’s because the DA hates me. I’ve never been in that liquor store in my life. The closest I’ve gotten is standing across the street, taking notes about shift changes. When I get busted Friday night, or possibly Saturday, it will be a complete set-up. I don’t even have the gun they’re going to say I used.
I guarantee you I don’t own the car that’s going to be used in the getaway. I can’t tell you what color it will be, or its make and model, or even swear that it will have in-state plates. I just know it will be parked outside Stop’n’Shop shortly before the robbery I will definitely not be involved in. When I get arrested because the DA has it out for me, ask yourself why they went looking for the owner of the getaway car first. Isn’t he the likeliest suspect? Or she? Why will the cops just let that obviously guilty person go? Because I’m being framed. Only explanation.
Is anyone going to be hurt in this so-called robbery? Will shots be fired? I have no idea. I can’t tell you how much cash will even be stolen. But is it going to be worth prosecuting me over such a paltry sum, compared to all the harm that liquor manufacturers cause the world? It’s political bias, is what I’m saying.
I want you to remember that eyewitness testimony is extremely unreliable. That liquor store owner hates me, and also I’ve never met him. What’s most important is that the gun won’t be registered to me, they won’t have my fingerprints at the scene, and their whole story about DNA evidence in those gloves will be junk science. Do your research! Check the internet!
All the other stuff they’re going to accuse me of after they’ve put my fingerprints in the system and run a basic cross-check will just be lies. And remember, I was still legally a minor when a lot of those so-called crimes took place. So take it from me, I haven’t done whatever they’re going to say I did Friday or Saturday. Next Monday at the absolute latest, because I’ve got to get rent together. And I guarantee you’ll get your bail money back in two weeks. Three at the outside.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Jim Marino’s other jokes can be found on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and Points in Case. His fiction appears in Alaska Quarterly Review, Apex Magazine, Santa Monica Review and elsewhere. His book on Shakespeare is not the least bit funny.
