I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is

“A bull, running loose on the New Jersey Transit train tracks in Newark, caused delays up to 45 minutes between Newark Penn Station and Penn Station New York before being captured on Thursday.” –USA Today, 12/14/23

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The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull.

 

I had to run full-on gallop to make the train, taking out a few concrete pillars and human pedestrians in the process. People in New Jersey really need to watch where the hell they’re going. Once I was finally settled on the train and had one horn comfortably through the glass window, the conductor came by to take my ticket. I handed him my student pass, but he said he needed to see some ID.

 

Now I was pissed. I pawed the ground in frustration and my foot went straight through the floor. Talk about a cheaply made train. If you’re going to ask for proof that I’m a student, you should first make sure your train floors are hoof-proof. I pulled my student ID out of my backpack and he peered at it suspiciously.

 

“I didn’t know bulls could study film at The New School,” he said like it was the funniest thing he’d seen all year. Personally, I think the New Jersey state government should make sure their employees have adequate sensitivity training.

 

“Yeah, my thesis film is 90-minute science-fiction odyssey where bulls run the world and NJ Transit has competent conductors,” his face went white as my sister’s gross milk they put in my latte this morning. I thought it was a pretty bold thing for a guy whose job is to drive the train in the country’s 50th worst transportation system to say, but the only resource New Jersey isn’t lacking besides bagels is the audacity.

 

But then, they come over the loudspeaker announcing that they have to stop the train because my hoof went through the floor and my horns went through the window. La-di-fucking-da, I’m going to be late to Screenwriting. Of course, you can never understand what the hell they’re saying over the loudspeaker, so it could either be, “Everyone off the train,” or “I’ve got bulls on the brain.”

All I wanted was to make it to class on time for once. Instead, I end up on the front page of the New York Post. “Snakes on the plane, bulls on the train,” the garish headline read. Really? You guys have never seen a cow try and take public transportation before? You wouldn’t have to if UberPackMule prices weren’t through the roof. Now wonder everyone on the train is always pissed.

 

I meant to get off at New York Penn Station, but I was so frazzled and discombobulated that I got off at Newark Penn Station instead. Who in their right mind named two stations in two different cities with almost the same name Penn Station and Penn Station? I’ll bet that idiot was from New Jersey. Our transportation system is utterly broken.

 

Later that day, NJ Transit emailed me asking if I could rate my ride. I gave them one star.

 

Pete Buttigieg, I want a fucking refund.