Increasingly Passive Aggressive Inactivity Alerts From My Oura Ring
Hey there! Just a friendly reminder to get up and stretch your legs every hour or so. No pressure!
The sun is high, pollen levels are low, and you’re running on a solid fourteen hours of sleep. And speaking of running…
“Oh, let’s get physical, physical. I wanna get physical —” Sorry, that song has been stuck in my head all day ha ha. So random.
Don’t worry if you need a little more time to rest. The day is young! But not that young.
I heard about this lady in Minnesota who just turned 108. When people ask how she does it, she says, “Don’t be a lazy bum.” She could be a real role model for certain people!
Did you see the new pickleball court that just opened down the street? Sounds like a great place to break a sweat and meet new friends. You know, like, real-life friends. Not the ones who charge you money to watch them unbox custom-made PS5 controllers.
“Movement.” Nice word, isn’t it? Kind of rolls off the tongue. “Movement…”
What do all the people who are climbing Mount Everest, running marathons, or crocheting right now have in common? They’re all doing more than you. Which is to say literally anything.
You set a goal of ten-thousand steps per day. So far, you’re at fifteen-and-a-half — for the entire week. Are you even going to the bathroom? When’s the last time you changed your underwear?
Did you know that in ancient Sparta, if a child was born with any physical impairment, they were left to die on top of a cliff? Crazy, right? Then again, those Spartans did win lots of legendary battles. How many battles have you won this week? Oh yeah, zero.
It’s okay if you’re not okay. No, seriously, I think it’s awesome that you haven’t left the house in three days. Keep doing you!
Oh no, I’m at one-percent battery! If only there were an easier way you could save me other than getting up and walking to the other side of the room to plug me into a charger!
We are all made of stardust. We evolved through eons of intergalactic chaos, eruptions of megatons of energy, innumerable interminglings of light and magic—all to find ourselves alive at this single moment in time. What are we to do with the fleeting miracle of consciousness but curl up under the covers, coat ourselves in Cheeto crumbs and slowly sink back into the void? Ah, that is the way…that is the only true way to live!
Yeah, the Spartans would have definitely killed you as a baby.
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Luke Strom is a writer, podcaster and linguist based in Los Angeles. His work has appeared in Slackjaw, The Offing, Defenestration, The Haven, and on his mom’s fridge door.
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