When a gust of wind blows down your doors, stick out your head, give them the finger and shout, “YOU COASTAL ELITES CAN BLOW YOUR HOT AIR UP NORTH! I’M LISTENING TO INFOWARS!”
Good morning, fellow Americans. You’re listening to Infowars, where our First Amendment right to tell you the truth is guaranteed by my Second Amendment right to keep a loaded Colt .45 duct-taped beneath this desk. I’m sure many of you are waking up a little uneasy following reports from the mainstream media that a “Category 5” Hurricane is about to slam the East Coast. Leave it to the alarmist media to instill a sense of fear across the nation, but let me assure you that these hurricanes are nothing but a false flag operation to scare us into believing the myth that is climate change. That’s right, when the crisis actors have you huddled into the Astrodome, the liberal deep state is breaking into your home, stealing your guns and pissing on your floor. PISSING. ON. YOUR. FLOOR. That’s why most insurance providers won’t cover the flood damage, because there was no flood.
I’ve been in the Astrodome, and I can tell you that their surround sound speaker system is capable of playing and old ZZ Top record so loud it makes the floor quake. It could be a beautiful sunny day, but once you step inside you’d believe the perfect storm had passed overhead. Hurricane Harvey was a sham. Let me tell you about the name “Harvey.” In 1950 Jimmy Stewart starred in a film of the same name. It was about a man whose best friend was a giant imaginary rabbit. The name of that rabbit: Harvey. I don’t think I need to tell you that Harvey is a globalist code word for a grand illusion. Every day we broadcast Infowars from Austin, Texas, and we never saw an inch of the flooding faked by the mainstream media. The people of Houston were duped, and now the government is trying to make dopes out of Florida—two states where I know we have a very strong listener base.
The “threat” of Harvey and Irma are nothing but a cheap ploy by the New World Order to scare us out of house and home and break in while we’re away to steal our property. To steal our Second Amendment rights. But I want to promise my listeners that they have nothing to fear. Even if there was a hurricane of untold proportions barreling down on the East Coast, it would never reach landfall. I know this because in the year 2000 I infiltrated the Bohemian Grove. I witnessed the global elite sacrificing a child to Moloch, their owl god, and I looked into Henry Kissinger’s dead eyes as he told Bill Clinton, “Even if a storm were to reach Category 6, it would never breach the invisible sea wall protecting the East Coast.” This is why you can never see Europe when you go to the beach, because the globalists have us all trapped behind a giant wall where they watch us through closed circuit camera feeds.
So what do you need to survive the storm? Nothing more than a strong will and the courage of a red-blooded American. You don’t need to leave your house. You don’t need to stock up on water or toilet paper because you’re not going to let the media scare you. You’re going stay right where you are to catch the bastards in the act when they break down your door to piss on your floor. So rest easy listeners, because you have nothing to fear. We’ll be right back.
When the New World Order has taken control, poisoned the water and left only enough food for the wealthy elite, will you be prepared? For just $19.99 you can purchase the Survival Seed pack from infowars.com. This mix of non-GMO seed are sure to get you through any chemical attack waged by the global elites. Buy yours now, before it’s too late.
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Kevin Cole is a comedy writer and satirist working out of Frederick, MD. He is the founder of The Annual, a different comedy website and most recently wrote the play Great Again which was performed at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre before it was plagiarized by reality. You can find his tweets @KevinDotCole.