1. Look, we know why you’re here. You’re going to have sex. And that’s fine; your life, and so on. But please don’t leave your used condoms just laying around. There are many different animals living in these woods, and many don’t know better than to try and eat the contents of said condoms. And some people have lived in these woods for their entire lives, and don’t know any better either. Just speaking hypothetically, you understand. We don’t need any of your sick city-slicker weiner diseases, got it?
2. Please don’t bring guns into my woods. They’re just not safe. If you know how to use a gun properly, that’s great, but c’mon… accidents do happen. And we all know that bullets can’t hurt me anyway, so just don’t even bother.
3. Don’t bring your husky pals to party in the woods with you. No one wants to have sex with them, so what’s the point? Listen, I like to hang my kills in trees, in rafters, etc. etc. I’m not as young as I used to be, and these fatties are a real pain to lug around. You might argue that they’re easier to catch, but I can catch anyone by simply walking determinedly behind them for a moment or two, so don’t do me any favors.
4. As some of you may already know, I’m seeking vengeance for the violent death of my mother at the hands of camp counselors. And to that end, I sometimes like to leave her decapitated head in odd, funny areas, just to spook someone before planting a machete in their neck. Please, please don’t swat frantically at the head. I understand that the situation might be a bit scary, but she’s dead, and can no longer hurt you. Plus, she’s getting a bit brittle, so knocking her around like that could cause her to fall apart. And hey, that’s my mom, dude! Show some freakin’ respect.
5. Please stop with the rumors that the black kids are the ones who always get killed first. C’mon guys, my life is hard enough here! And it’s simply not true. I’m totally not a racist, at all! I mean, look… Candyman is a great friend of mine! So please, just cut it out.
6. Folks, I know that you’re young and carefree and all of that… but the skinny dipping….. Please stop placing your bare-naked genitals into my lake. I live in there for most of the year!! If I had a nickel for every random crab louse that I accidentally swallowed while chilling at the bottom of the lake, I’d be able to get my mom’s head a different fancy wig for each day of the week!
7. If for some reason I have to take my mask off for a moment, before you begin screaming and gasping for air, stop and think how you would feel in a similar situation. I can’t help the way I look, and if I’m wearing a mask, then clearly I have a few unresolved issues involving my appearance and self-confidence. That kind of thing really hurts my feelings, and hurting my feelings is not a good way to avoid getting a pair of hedge-clipping shears to the face.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence