James Joyce Writes Taglines for Famous Movies
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Frolick too late, no joy.
The Social Network
You don’t get to five hundred million chaps without making a few barnacles.
Brokeback Mountain
Heath and Jake climb mountains together, forbidden. Banned by Catholic Church.
The Shawshank Redemption
A prisoner, Red said, is just a prisoner. Murder well?
Blade Runner
Robots with feelings. Had a good Ryan Gosling. Very long film.
Jaws
None’ere in seas of Dublin, Stephen said. Shark truffle blood. Moo.
The Lord of the Rings
A nosey numbskull lost his nosey ring to nosey small people.
Star Wars
Chewbacca, Stephen hiccuped.
The Godfather
And I thought the Irish were cantankerous, Nosey Flynn said, sighing. Al Pacino-esque violence.
The Dark Knight
He became a bat. He doesn’t chat. Bats!
Pulp Fiction
Suppose Royale with cheese. Kill! Kill!
Fight Club
Men brawl because of the Catholic Church.
Forest Gump
Hungry for chocolates. Jenny hiccuped. Shandygaff?
The Matrix
Life inside the Catholic Church.
Interstellar
—Love.
Saving Private Ryan
All for Matt Damon, the flies buzzed. War: it always loses a Matt Damon.
The Silence of the Lambs
—I noticed he was eating people!
Gladiator
Are you not entertained, Mr. Dedalus? Rub off blood with Joaquin Phoenix’s pants.
Apocalypse Now
Explosions! Napalm! Nosey Marlon Brando!
American History X
No God for Neo-Nazis, Leopold said, sighing. Skinhead plups.
Terminator 2
Stuck in time Arnold was, stuck.
Schindler’s List
Nosey Liam Neeson from the Taken trilogy. Nazis, again!
The Pianist
—Dribbling a key from his piano he played over and all of Poland wept for two hours and thirty minutes.
Citizen Kane
There are roses that are buds. Newspapers. Overrated?
Braveheart
Suppose a famished Mel Gibson.
Toy Story
Colors! Toys! Yum.
Jurassic Park
—Jeff Goldblum!
Boyhood
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, but different.
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Irving Ruan is a writer and comedian living in the San Francisco Bay Area. His work has been published in McSweeney’s, Funny Or Die, The Bold Italic, The Cooper Review, and elsewhere. You can find him on Twitter, where his tweets are read by hundreds but only three are entertained.
