L. Ron Hubbard’s Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds the Guinness Book of Records for most published works.

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1. Just write. I used to put a roll of butcher paper into my typewriter and bang out whatever came to mind. I’ll admit it; sometimes even I thought it was a load of gobbledegook, but people bought it.

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2. Remember: The purpose of writing is to transmit your unique experience of the world (or in my case, the galaxy) to another person’s brain. I always remained true to my vision, and look how successful I was! Today, thousands of people – Tom Cruise! John Travolta! David Miscavige! – share my very own mental outlook.

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3. Aliens. If you’ve gone a bit overboard in creating your narrative and you’re struggling to find a way to explain it all, you can always fall back on the use of aliens. Never use a dream. Only lesser writers do this.

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4. Don’t reveal everything straight away. Build suspense, keep people guessing and lead them into your fiction bit by bit. Do you think anyone would have stuck with me if I had started raving about a galactic overlord blowing beings up in volcanoes 75 million years ago, because there were too many Chevies on the road, straight off the bat?

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5. Immersive experience. Try to keep people as immersed in your world as possible. If this requires imprisoning them in work-camps or herding them all onto a ship for a few months to look for buried treasure you may have hidden along the Mediterranean coast in your past life as a Venetian Prince, so be it.

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6. Make your readers use their imaginations. For example, I make my readers bring their own (traumatic) experiences and constructed tales of past lives to my narrative, thereby making them more engaged in my fiction.

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7. Superpowers sell. This is something even a lesser imaginative mind like Marvel understood. Part of my success is down to the fact that my tales hold the promise of healing powers, infra-red vision and ESP.

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8. Have a Plan B. Writing is hardly a lucrative business. If you want to make real money, you’ll have to employ your writerly skills in other ways. I used mine to start a religion, but not everyone can do this. It’s not all about taking people on an intriguing journey and character arc (or bridge) with the promise of ever-increasing knowledge and fulfilment. You also need to be a genius who can communicate with intergalactic beings and control people’s minds.

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9. It is important to construct your persona as a writer. So tell everyone you sank two Japanese submarines in the Second World War instead of accidentally shelling a Mexican island. This is something even a lesser writer like Hemingway understood.

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10. Critics are fair game. If someone gives you a bad review, feel free to harass, blackmail or assault them, and poison their dogs.

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11. The key to becoming as prolific, rich and influential as me…To access this advice, please complete a short test at scientology.org to check that you are adequately mentally competent to handle this life-changing information that will take you to the next level as a writer. Hurry. Your success and your future depend on it!

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