Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First
Rule #1: Both candidates will be forced to say one nice thing about the other.
Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate’s microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.
Rule #3: Both candidates will have the opportunity to phone a friend if they struggle to answer the moderator’s line of questioning.
Rule #4: The candidates will be allowed to make three sophomoric dick jokes during the course of the debate. The candidate who elicits the most laughs will be declared the winner of the debate. The loser will be forced to campaign naked in the Alaskan wilderness for one week.
Rule #5: Each candidate will have one opportunity to break a beer bottle and charge his opponent if he feels disrespected. If he successfully stabs his opponent in the jugular, he will spend the remaining time talking to the American people while his opponent bleeds out on the debate stage behind him.
Rule #6: If a candidate doesn’t shut the fuck up after five warnings by the moderator, the moderator can challenge the candidate to a duel. If the moderator wins the duel, the candidate still alive will use the rest of his time to talk to the American people while his opponent lies dead on the stage behind him. If the candidate kills the moderator, he can continue talking over his opponent and gets three bonus electoral votes.
Rule #7: Any candidate who refuses to condemn white supremacy will be placed into a tube – just like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in his film “The Running Man,” – and transported to a dystopian underground battlefield where cheesy 1980s movie villains with odd names like Dynamo and Buzzsaw will try to murder him on national television.