As you may recall, last Thursday an anonymous male with pseudonym ‘AssOlympics’ “Zoombombed” our English Modernism seminar and hijacked our class discussion. This transition to virtual learning has been difficult enough, and I sincerely apologize for the added stress–even trauma–our unauthorized visitor may have caused.
This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay’s a “Christ-like” protagonist. His argument was pedantic, and his logic was–at best–flawed. It was clear that he had only skimmed the novel. Since our notorious “Zoombomber” was around forty five, I shudder to even think of when he last read To the Lighthouse.
I want to condemn the utter disrespect that the intruder showed toward you all. He “piggybacked” off of all your comments to a point of plagiarism. He flaunted moral superiority by attacking those who “problematically” defended Mr. Ramsay. Yet at the same time, he wore a tank-top which read, “FBI: Female Body Inspector.” Distasteful as well as hypocritical.
By the way, Henry, I looked it up. Your pronunciation of “banal” was correct.
Now, to address the elephant in the room: “History is written by the winners.” I too was taken aback when AssOlympics interrupted Jackson to make this cliched proclamation. First off, it was tenuously related to our discussion of the English Channel. But more importantly, his smugness–like he was the first person to ever say this in a college seminar–was abhorrent.
Once again, students, I am deeply sorry for our class’ recent invasion. The university has created new measures to ensure this never happens again. And if it is any consolation, AssOlympics turned in a lousy Mrs. Dalloway response paper. (Weak thesis, abundant passive voice, etc.) I hope to see you all next week in better spirits.
P.S. Goes without saying, but I also apologize for when he showed everyone his genitals.
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Jacob Kaplan is a student at Columbia University. He has written for Slackjaw and Robotbutt, and he has studied improv and sketch at UCB. He has worked at SNL and Late Night with Seth Meyers, but don’t get too excited–they were both internships. Follow him on Twitter @JacobKaplan17.