How to Write Brfly

People think writing brfly is hard, but it’s really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr—sometimes even entire altogether.

Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150.

CARTOON: Harnessing Creativity

Inspiration, not perspiration. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire

So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now.

I'm Your Computer Keyboard And I'm Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly shaking me, and wiping whatever debris came out onto the floor and straight into the rug.

CARTOON: Beach Read

Fiction friction. Today's cartoon by Scott Masear.

How to Deal With Rejection Like a Professional

Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow. Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you... but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination. Scream into the void. And more!

The Problem With American Medicine Is That It's Not Specialized Enough

It may seem that I have prospered greatly off the misfortunes of the left foot, but the truth is that my path to podiatrist fame and fortune was not always easy. When I first told my advisor I was planning to specialize in the left foot, she asked if I had been “taking those stupid improv classes again.” My father broke down in tears, which we later realized stemmed less from my announcement and more from a burst appendix.

New Trump Books Out This Week

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

How to Write A Metaphor

Each new metaphor is a leaf of romaine, a cherry tomato, a pound of Jell-O, eighteen hot dogs, or a handful of croutons. A lesser writer may remark that a mixed metaphor can only cause confusion, but this is coward’s talk and will quickly earn a jab to the throat.

Is Your Writing Career Fledgling, Emerging or Buried Under Ground Like a Lost Treasure?

If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.

BOOK EXCERPT: Slouchers: The Novelization

But Wes is a Gen X’er.   And Gen X’ers take matters into their own hands! The term “Gen X” was coined in 1991 by writer and “Baby Boomer” Douglas Coupland.   “Baby Boomer” is another important sociological term, this one coined years ago by a writer from the “Greatest Generation.”   Before that, no generations—at least with any marketable names—ever existed.   That’s just the way it was.  

Goosebumps Books Updated for Current Times

Please Don't Feed the Vampire! A plucky White House intern investigates the mysterious disappearance of some of Stephen Miller's staff.

Classic Urban Legends Updated for 2020

The Stolen Kidney updated for 2020: A beautiful woman seduces a young anti-vaxxer. The following morning he awakens in a bathtub full of cotton balls to find his arms covered with band-aids and a document containing a list of all the vaccinations he received.

Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

CARTOON: Book Launch 2020

Step way back and check out our new releases!

I’m Your Fitness Tracker, and I’m Worried About You 

I also feel like our relationship has suffered. When you originally customized my settings, you asked me to provide hourly “Get Up and Move!” alerts during your waking hours. But lately, you’ve been deleting these prompts by jabbing roughly at my screen. Remember, only a light tap of your finger is necessary!

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

Excerpt From 'Passable in Pink' The Novelization

The opening chords for the classic Beatles version of “Twist and Shout” could not be heard but Grimer began to sing along anyway, swaying and sashaying, all cute and delightful, motioning to the hundreds of businessmen glancing out their high rise office windows, including a certain advertising copywriter who did a doubletake when he saw a girl who looked exactly like his daughter, which was all but impossible, as she was still in school, she never skipped!

Evergreen Satire Headline Generator

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

How to Simulate Your Ten Year Reunion at Home

“Of course I remember you! I was homecoming queen after all, and a queen always remembers her subjects. I’m just kidding. Not about homecoming queen. I was homecoming queen, and also cheerleading captain, and student vice president, remember? Remember that great halftime show our senior year?”

What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

Your Brain Recommends Dreams Based On Your Watch History

Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?

Masterclasses Coming To A YouTube Ad Near You

I Am Not Throwing Away My Slot: Vigilance, Grit and Determination in the Face of All Odds of Snagging an Instacart Delivery Time, with Lin Manuel Miranda

Classic Novels Rewritten for the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

Five Things That Are ‘6 Feet!’ (The Ultimate Guide to Help With Social Distancing)

You and your imaginary friend lying on the floor with your heads touching. (Make sure your imaginary friend is at least three inches). Need to adjust based on height.

I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse

This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

The Life of an Ellipsis...

..., [...] ..* and more!

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein, Steve McGinn and Robert Leighton

This very special episode of Talkward welcomes cartoonists Bob Eckstein, Steve McGinn, and Robert Leighton! Full house! They stopped by the studio after going by The New Yorker to submit some cartoons. We discuss the joke writing process, appearances on old game shows, and we dissect the reasons why some of Steve's cartoons got rejected very, very quickly. We also chat about Bob Eckstein's new book, "Everyone's A Critic- The Ultimate Cartoon Book" which is on sale now and you should go buy it right now!

Talkward w/ guests Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writers and authors Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton! The humor writing duo has been published in McSweeney's, Points In Case, Crack The Spine and Weekly Humorist. They discuss their writing process, the power of Google Docs, and the state of the world. Their debut novel "From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts" a satirical road trip comedy taking place during the events of the 2016 election is on sale now from imprint Humorist Books.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don't Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats

“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”

Life Hacks For Hacks

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.

A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!

The Best Spots in New York to Get A Little Quiet Writing Done

Onstage at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre: Do you have the old play-based creativity-inclusive content bug? Scratch that itch by standing onstage at the Al Hirschfeld during a performance of Kinky Boots and type away.

Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch

The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.

If The Rules of Fight Club Were Repurposed for Book Club

The first rule of Book Club is: you do not talk about Book Club. The…

VIDEO: Drama at the Office

How do you tell someone you have literally no desire to see what they've been working on - but, like, in a nice way?

Talkward w/ guest Jonathan Zeller

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and performer…

Talkward w/ guest Jon Daly

This episode of Talkward has comedy writer Jon Daly. No, not…

Talkward w/ guest David Martin

Today on Talkward is comedy storytelling host and performer…

L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…